How to Define Your Role as a Stepparent

Becoming a stepparent might be one of the most difficult tasks you'll ever undertake. The exact role you will play in your new family depends on a variety of factors, such as the age of your stepchildren and life circumstances, such as whether your stepchildren have contact with their biological parent. But even if you assume many parental functions, you will never take the place of their biological parent. This means that you will need to define your role within the family -- and your role may change over time.

Instructions

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      Discuss the parameters of your role with your partner. Have an open, honest discussion about your fears and expectations regarding your relationship with your stepchildren. Defining your role as a stepparent requires a collaborative effort between you and your partner, says the Jefferson Center for Mental Health, a community mental health organization in Wheat Ridge, Colorado.

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      Decide whether it is appropriate to take on the role of disciplinarian at this stage in your relationship with your stepchildren. In most cases, discipline should be the role of the biological parent, especially in the beginning. As time progresses and your relationship with your stepchildren solidifies, you can assume more responsibility, according to professor Stephen F. Duncan of Brigham Young University's School of Family Life.

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      Establish realistic expectations of your role, advises talk show host and mental health professional Dr. Phil McGraw in an article for his website. All relationships require time and patience. Having unrealistic expectations about your level of intimacy or connection with your stepchildren can compromise your role and strain your budding relationships with your stepchildren.

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      Get to know your stepchildren. Your role will evolve over time as your relationship with your stepchildren grows and matures. As they begin to accept you more and you become more comfortable with them, your role may progress from stranger to friend to parent. But don't try to advertise yourself as a replacement for their biological parent, advises Duncan. Doing so will only sabotage your efforts to become an accepted and recognized member of the family.

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      Assume the role of ally and supporter, says Dr. Phil. Regardless of your family circumstances, your stepchildren need to feel that you can be trusted and that you are ultimately on their side.

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      Avoid playing favorites. You might feel tempted to bond more closely with a younger stepchild who accepts you more easily and shy away from an older child who has more difficulty with your new role. Be consistent in your role and treat them with the same respect and consideration you would give your own children, advises Duncan.

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