How to Blend Adult Stepchildren Into One Family

When people discuss remarriage and stepchildren, they quite often think of young children who may be expected to live with a new stepfather or stepmother or at least accept that person in a significant role in their lives. The problems this can present have been well-documented. However, it is often the case that the children involved in a new later marriage are not children at all, but adults. This brings quite a different set of challenges and requires much patience and tolerance on all sides.

Instructions

    • 1

      Expect that some challenges lie ahead. Sit down with your new husband or wife and agree on some basic ground rules. This should involve both of you recognizing that your marriage is at the center of your new lives and vow not to forget this, no matter what distractions crop up.

    • 2

      Allow the relationship with the new stepchildren to evolve. Do not force the pace. These are adults and must accept the new situation in an adult way. However, encourage your partner to continue previous shared activities with the adult child, such as shopping or sports. Issue invitations to your adult stepchildren in a casual friendly manner. Initially ask the stepchild for a coffee or a drink.

    • 3

      Accept that your adult stepchildren have a history with your partner, and this history cannot or should not be deleted. Other people, such as grandparents, aunts and uncles, will be involved in this history. Behave in a friendly manner towards these family members. Avoid making an issue of who spends holidays with whom. Allow your stepchildren to make this difficult decision, providing they do this in a considerate manner.

    • 4

      Befriend your adult stepchildren rather than trying to parent them. Treat them with the same friendliness you would extend to any other adult. Try to be welcoming and relaxed in your approach. Explore common ground you may have with them.

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