Stepmother Etiquette

Don't Try To Replace Mom

• The first and foremost rule for stepmothers is to understand your role in the family. Trying to replace or compete with the children's biological mother will only result in heartache and problems for everyone. This is true whether the biological mother is alive or deceased. Create your own personal relationship with the children but maintain appropriate boundaries. Work with your new spouse and his ex to create a working family unit.

Be Your Own Person

• It can be easy to get lost in the development of a new family and lose your identity or want to take on the persona of someone the children will like. However, being someone you are not will be quickly discovered by the children, take its toll on you and will not help you to bond anymore quickly with your stepchildren. You may never develop more than a friendship with your stepchildren and that is perfectly fine. Be yourself and show an interest in what your stepchildren enjoy, but do not change your lifestyle hoping they will accept you.

Respect, Respect, Respect

• This is a key component to developing a positive relationship with your stepchildren and keeping the family unit functioning well. You need to have respect for yourself, your spouse, his ex and your new stepchildren. Do not fight about the children or your attempts to take on the role of stepmother in front of them. Do your best to keep your emotions in check despite how you might be feeling. Never badmouth or put down the children's biological mother. At the same time, do not allow the children to disrespect you; stand your ground in an assertive way and let them know you will respect them but they need to respect you. Allow your spouse to maintain the discipline until the children have developed a relationship with you.

Create a Ritual

• Doing something special and unique with your stepchildren can help them to see you in a different light. Creating a ritual or activity that is just for you and them will allow you to start building rapport and bond with your new family unit. Take a day trip to without your spouse to help the children start to learn about you and what you like. Plan a meal together, go grocery shopping and cook the meal once a week. Take time to have a family meeting and allow the children to talk about any problems they are having or how to create a better relationship. An annual family vacation with your stepchildren is another ritual that can help develop or strengthen bonds and relationships.