Parenting a Stepchild

Getting to Know Each Other

• Before you can act as a parent to a stepchild, you must first get to know him. Spend time with him doing things he enjoys, such as going to a playground or reading him his favorite books. Don't demand all his attention; give him plenty of time alone with your spouse so your stepchild doesn't feel like you're intruding on his quality time. Giving him his space while letting him know he's important to you can help you build a solid relationship.

Validate the Other Parents

• A stepchild will often feel guilty when she starts building a relationship with a stepparent, as if she is "cheating" on her mom or dad. Nip this in the bud by validating her parental relationships, letting her know you are happy she has such a good mom, for example, and that you have the opportunity to spend time with her as a stepmom. Instead of trying to take over as a parent immediately, tell your stepchild that you're not trying to take her parents' place, but that she's one of the lucky children who has more than two grown-ups who love her as their daughter.

Discipline

• Disciplining your stepchild is a difficult situation. It's best to wait until you've built a solid relationship, then to let your spouse set the ground rules. He can tell the child the basic rules and consequences, then let the child know you are also aware of the house rules. Then, when the child breaks one of the rules, you know the predetermined punishment and can discipline him without giving the impression that you're trying to come in and take over his life. Instead, you're simply enforcing rules created by his parent, similar to the way a babysitter would. For example, if he throws a toy in anger, you can say, "Your dad said you had to sit in timeout for five minutes if you threw a toy." This reinforces the fact that the rules are actually his parent's, and that you're simply following the rules just like the child is supposed to. Try to defer to your spouse for discipline when possible, backing him up without taking the lead. When he's unavailable, administer discipline only when it's necessary and spelled out in the house rules. As you continue to build a relationship with the child, you can begin disciplining more.

Age

• The age of your stepchild makes a difference in the type of parenting you can perform. If the child is a toddler, for example, she's unlikely to remember much of her life without you in it, so you can take on a more involved parenting role. But if the child is a teenager when you marry one of her parents, she might never accept you as a true parent, and you might always need to defer to her parents for discipline and major life decisions. The older the child is, the longer it takes to build a relationship strong enough to begin acting like a parent. Showing her love, affection and consideration can help slowly build the relationship you want so she will think of you as family, rather than just a parent's spouse.