How to Give Meaningful Presents to Kids
As a family therapist, I often ask children from ages 5 to 18: "What is a meaningful time that you've had with your mom or dad or your family?" Over the years I have been impressed by the wisdom in their answers. Even if we are trying to cut corners on holiday spending, when it comes to our children, as parents we often feel guilty cutting back. We want to give them every luxury. We worry that they will feel deprived and sad if they don't get the gifts they'd hoped for. Perhaps this sage advice from children will help you find a meaningful gift during the holiday season.
Instructions
Give your presence. Once a 6-year-old boy told me that the only time his father paid any attention to him was when he got in trouble at school, and since he wanted his dad's attention, he didn't mind the trouble. I suggested to his father that he spend a half-hour each evening just hanging out with his son. He wasn't sure it would make a difference, but agreed to try. It probably won't surprise you that the trouble in school stopped and dad discovered how important his presence was to his young son. Being present is meeting your child in the moment, without concern for the past or the future, and with your mind emptied of distractions. This holiday season give your undivided presence to your child. Remember the story of the poor little rich kid. The story goes that the poor little rich kid had every material advantage, but his heart was broken because his parents were never really there. Sadly, there are many children who suffer from this kind of neglect. Not just during the holidays, but all through the year. Toys and gadgets have come to represent love, but these items, while temporarily fun, are not love. Love is the quality of your connection. If you have no money to spend on gifts, but your heart is open, your eyes are kind, your actions gentle--you will have given your children the greatest of gifts--and they will feel your love in their bones. Think outside the gift box. Twenty seven-year-old Julia told me that her favorite Christmas memory was the year her parents served banana splits for breakfast. She doesn't remember what gifts they received that year, but she remembers the ice cream flavors, the toppings and the nuts. She's looking forward to surprising her own kids someday, and this year when her parents come for the holidays, she intends to surprise them with banana splits for breakfast. Switch from material to meaningful. Ask yourself what gives meaning to your day? Do you find meaning in the things that you own or in the joy that you feel? Some of the most meaningful memories are not purchased, but are experienced. What experience can your give your children? On Christmas morning my daughter and I will be doing an art project together; it's the gift of togetherness that we cherish. What experience might be meaningful for your family? Ask your children what they would like to do? Shop in closets. Eleven-year-old Lisa lit up when she told me: "we're shopping in closets." That's right. The extended family gift exchange this year consists of things family members already have and are willing to part with. Lisa is giving the aquarium that she lost interest in a year ago and she's certain that her 8-year-old cousin will love it. The entire family agreed over Thanksgiving to the "shop in the closet" plan, and you can just imagine the excitement for the grand opening. (P.S. I found this advice so helpful, that whenever I get the urge to splurge--instead of heading for the mall--I head for my closet first. When I shop in my closet I usually find something I haven't worn in a while--and that discovery is enough to momentarily quench the shopping bug.)
