How to Not Blow Up at Your Preteen
Trying not to blow up at your preteen might be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. Whether you are upset about your preteen's attitude, friends, performance in school, or something else -- it's still up to you to harness your anger and turn it into something constructive. Thankfully, there are some concrete ways that you can help yourself and your preteen while you honor your feelings.
Instructions
Emotional Responsibility
Make a decision not to blow up at your preteen. Write down your commitment, share it with someone you trust and let your child know you want to behave differently when you feel angry. Write down the date, your specific commitment and five reasons for making the commitment. Sign it and then share it with your preteen for accountability purposes. Tell her you want her to point out when she notices you are on the edge. Identify your triggers. Every day for a week, notice what it is about your teen's behavior that makes you feel angry and write it down. Maybe it was what she said, how she said it, the fact that she didn't do her chores again, or her lack of eye contact at dinner. Dr. Dave Walsh, Ph.D., suggests owning your feelings. For example, instead of writing, "She made me mad because (fill in the blank)" write "I felt angry, concerned, or worried when she (fill in the blank)." Stop and listen when you notice yourself feeling frustrated. Preteens often want parents to listen more so this will help you both slow down, cultivate understanding, and prevent blow ups. Dr. Jeffery Bernstein, psychologist, suggests that as you listen, do not take your preteen's statements too personally, because they may have more to do with her own feelings. Learn behaviors that minimize blow ups. For example, stop to breathe ten full breaths, meditate or pray, take a walk to cool down, sit down to talk face to face, reflectively listen or do something to blow off steam safely, for example, jumping jacks or stretching. Speak calmly as possible. On AhaParenting.com, Dr. Laura Markham, Ph.D. mentions research that underscores the importance of doing this. It helps make you feel more calm and makes others react more calmly to you.
