Parental Ethics

Commonsense Ethics

• Modeling commonsense ethical standards might seem to be the tried and true way to teach your children how to be ethical themselves, but real-life ethical situations aren't always so straightforward. If your child catches her best friend cheating on a test, should she prioritize honesty by telling the teacher what her friend did or should she prioritize loyalty by keeping it to herself? The answer depends on values that can differ from person to person. Commonsense ethical standards provide a framework, but people need ethical reasoning to make tough decisions in daily life.

Ethical Reasoning

• To practice ethical reasoning, the first step is to know right from wrong. According to Rushworth M. Kidder, in the book "Good Kids, Tough Choices," cultures all over the world measure ethical actions by fairness, honesty, compassion, responsibility and respect. Wrong actions demonstrate a lack of one of those qualities. The second step is to make choices when two rights are in conflict with each other. Honesty is an ethical virtue, but so is loyalty. No one can tell anyone else exactly when to value one above the other. By thinking carefully about which values matter most to you, you can give your kid good advice with more confidence. The third step is to do the right thing even if you're scared to do so. For instance, one possible solution if your child catches a friend cheating on a test is for her to confront the friend and tell her what she did was wrong.

Autonomy

• The ethical problems your kids face can sometimes present you with ethical problems of your own. In the scenario where your child has a friend who cheated on a test, what can you do if she decides to handle it in a way you completely disagree with? According to Norvin Richards, in "The Ethics of Parenthood," the fundamental autonomy of each person is a core principle of ethics, and parents are only justified in limiting the autonomy of their children to the extent required by their duties as parents. On the other hand, Richards acknowledges that the moral education of children is one of those duties. If your child makes an ethical choice you strongly disagree with, you must make the equally difficult ethical choice of either respecting your child's right to make a mistake or exercising your parental authority. Richards suggests that children should be given progressively more autonomy as they grow.

Tough Decisions

• Most of life's difficult ethical decisions are not between right and wrong but between two contradictory rights. Because two reasonable and ethically responsible people can come to different conclusions about an ethical dilemma, the important point is not which decision your child makes, but why. If she knows what is right but can't bring herself to do it, she is not exercising moral maturity and you might need to step in. If she shows the ability to use ethical reasoning but comes to a conclusion you disagree with, it might be wiser to respect her autonomy and let her make the decision for herself. If your child is capable of thinking ethically and acting on her conclusions, you have already done your job as a parent.