How to Set Limits With Children

Children, being childish, have natural reasons for acting inappropriately. But parents, being responsible for preparing children for entering society, sometimes have to intervene. By identifying frequent acts of misbehavior and explaining the roots behind such behavior, you set the stage for limit-setting. The key to setting limits is to make your expectations and the consequences for breaking them clear. Be sure to get a summary from your child to ensure understanding.

Instructions

    • 1

      Choose limits carefully. Consider your end-goals before you begin putting your foot down on your child̵7;s every move. Ideally, find a happy medium that allows your child to express her childishness while controlling those negative actions that could turn into bad habits. Your limits should help your child integrate into society without making her feel too constricted. Focus on setting goals for consistent bad behavior or behavior that you believe could turn into a bad habit. For example, if you̵7;ve noticed your child̵7;s fibs have become more than just harmless white lies, consider discussing and setting boundaries on lying.

    • 2

      Help your child explain the root cause of the behavior you̵7;ve decided to limit. Point out the emotions or motives behind an action. Make it salient that the behavior is a reaction to an emotion or motive and that your child can control his choice of behavior. For example, explain to your child that hitting is a reaction to anger. Say ̶0;Sometimes we feel angry. Anger makes us want to hit people. But we don̵7;t have to listen to that feeling. We can choose to do something else.̶1;

    • 3

      Set expectations on how your child should respond to those emotions and motives in future situations. Talk through alternative responses to feelings such as anger and jealousy. Renowned developmental psychologist John Gottman, author of the book ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,̶1; says that involving children in this decision-making process helps them ̶0;own̶1; the solution, making them more likely to follow through with the new type of reaction. For example, after pointing out that sneaking out of the house at night stems from a feeling of excitement but is unsafe, ask your child what he should do next time he feels the impulse to sneak out. Give feedback to guide him to a good decision and agree on that decision.

    • 4

      Attach consequences to breaking the new rules. Show that you take your expectations seriously and that regressing to past misbehavior will be met with nonviolent discipline. Gottman urges parents to be consistent with disciplining a child when she breaks rules because not doing so would send mixed messages about the limits and expectations, namely ̶0;Sometimes it̵7;s okay to break the rules.̶1; When possible, choose consequences that match the actions, such as not allowing friends to come over for a few days after an incident with name-calling or hitting.

    • 5

      Have your child review the conversation. State the limits, the reasons for the limits and what will happen if the limits are broken. This way, you ensure that your child understands what the new rules are, why they are in place and what will happen if they̵7;re broken.

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