How to Say No to Kids
Saying "No" can be difficult for a parent, either because you don't want to be perceived as heavy-handed and restrictive or because you just don't want to get into an argument with your child each time he asks for anything. It may be easier to give in than to fight, but doing so will only lead to escalating demands and eventually into situations that might be downright dangerous. Dr. David Walsh, author of "No: Why Kids--of All Ages--Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It," reminds us that saying no is actually an important way of teaching children that they can't always get what they want, which is an important foundation for building such character traits as self-discipline and respect for others' needs.
Instructions
Offer an alternative to whatever undesirable object or behavior your child is fixated on. If he's pitching a fit that he can't have ice cream, offer him a healthier treat such as yogurt or fruit. If he keeps trying to pull the cat's tail, offer him a stuffed animal to play with instead. If he's upset that all of his friends get to go see the latest R-rated movie, offer to take him to a PG-13 movie or propose another family outing such as bowling or laser tag. Explain why an action is undesirable, and tell your child about any negative consequences it may have. Stop him from walking across gravel with no shoes on by telling him this will hurt his feet; deter him from eating a piece of candy after the dog has licked it by telling him that it is dirty and could make him sick. Up the ante for an older child, explaining in detail just what could happen if he makes a poor choice such as shoplifting or drinking and driving. This way, he will come to see that the things you do not allow come from genuine concern for his well-being, not out of a desire to spoil his fun. Set clear limits that balance your needs and wishes with those of your child. If your son wants to spend all day Saturday with his friends, but you're concerned that this will leave him no time for homework, chores or family, come up with an alternate plan that will allow him to take care of his responsibilities as well as have some time for enjoying himself. Propose that he have Saturday afternoon to do what he likes, as long as he has cleaned his room in the morning and finishes all homework on Sunday as well as spending time with the family. If he tries to push the envelope by "negotiating" for a later curfew, remind him that negotiation involves giving as well as taking. If he wants something from you, he should be prepared to offer something in return, such as taking out the garbage all week. Save your strong responses to indicate danger. If you scream and yell every time your child does something that displeases you, you run the risk of coming across like the boy who cried "wolf." In other words, your shouts may have little or no impact on your child. If, on the other hand, you rarely raise your voice, a shout will instantly alert him that something serious is going on. Use this for an instance where you need to get your child's attention immediately in order to keep him away from a dangerous situation such as pulling a hot pan off the stove. Balance "no" with "yes." It's important not to go overboard and deny your child's every request just to show him who's boss. Just as saying "yes" all the time will lead to a child who falls to pieces the first time someone else -- a teacher, a friend, a boss -- will not let him have his way, a constant stream of "no" will result in a child who perceives the world as a negative place and is prone to feelings of hopelessness and depression. Learn to pick your battles, saying "no" whenever your child asks for or attempts something dangerous or inappropriate, but saying "yes" to requests that do no harm.
