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Correcting Misbehavior with Time-Out

Effective when used properly

Correcting Misbehavior with Time-Out

Judy was 22 but looked much older. She had four children, the oldest six years old. She was five months pregnant and had no time for herself. There was fatigue in her voice. Her four-year-old son, Randy, was driving her crazy. She was not able to manage his tantrums and demands. With tears of desperation, she told how she spent most of her time: "All I do is yell. He never does anything I ask. He just runs around the house making a mess. I don't have time for my other children because of him. I have to do something before this baby is born." After learning about time-out, Judy knew she had a tool--one that would work.

Judy went home and prepared. Randy began the next morning as usual. He refused to come to the breakfast table. Judy put him in time-out. Judy told him to sit quietly for five minutes; then he could come out. Randy refused to be quiet. He screamed, yelled, cried, and did everything that an enraged four-year-old child can imagine. He was in time-out for an hour and a half. Judy did not give up. She stayed calm, and she was consistent. Finally, he sat quietly for five minutes. He came out and had his breakfast. It was ten o'clock.

Judy's second battle occurred just after noon. Randy refused to lower the volume on the television when asked. Judy placed him in time-out. His resistance was weaker, his will was not as strong, and his tantrum less violent. He was in time-out for only 20 minutes.

Judy used time-outs on several other occasions that first week. It became easier to use each time. She trusted time-outs. In return, it gave her confidence. Her son was less defiant. Within two weeks, her son was listening. Judy was managing him without screaming and chasing.

Time-out is an effective method. It is a replacement for yelling, scolding, threatening, and spanking. A time-out prevents your children from pushing your buttons. To use a time-out means to place your child in a dull and boring place for a few minutes. It means time away from the group, time away from the fun. A time-out means that your child spends time away from anything positive. Being denied activity is a kind of punishment.

Three-year-old Laura was a bedtime procrastinator. Laura began screaming and having a tantrum as soon as Donna mentioned bedtime. Pajamas were wrestled on every night. Nagging followed the pajamas: "Can I have a drink of water?" "Would you read me a story?" "There is something wrong with my pillow." Donna believed that these bedtime battles were not caused by any fears, but because Laura wanted power and control.

Donna used time-out to get Laura to bed. If Laura argued or began whining, she would go to time-out. If Laura refused to go to bed in any way, she would go to time-out. Donna was consistent. When Laura argued or whined, Donna put her in time-out. Then every five minutes, Donna would ask Laura if she was ready to go to bed. After 15 or 20 minutes of sitting alone, Laura was ready to go to bed. In two weeks, Donna sent me a note: "I am beginning to think of the way I disciplined Laura in two ways, before time-out and after time-out. The difference is fantastic. Bedtime is so easy now. She never gets upset or argues. Even when my older children stay up later than she."

Why does time-out work so well? It works because it gives you a tool to back up what you say. Time-out is a teaching technique, a mild punishment that you administer quickly and easily. Time-out works because children do not like it, and will behave to avoid it. Here is an overview.

The first step is to select the right setting. Next, choose one misbehavior that you want to eliminate. Finally, explain time-out to your child. Describe the misbehavior that must stop. Explain that the misbehavior will result in a time-out. You will need a timer that sounds a bell or a buzzer. An oven timer works fine, as long as your child can hear it from where they are spending their time-out. It may help to have two timers. One for the child to see and one for you. Explain that yours is the official clock! Each of these steps is explained later.

There are other aspects of this method that you need to understand for time-outs to be most effective. Time-out is most useful for children between the ages of two and twelve. With certain cautions, you can use time-out with children who are younger than two years old. You can use time-out with children as old as fourteen, but it may not be as effective. Reality consequences and restriction are more appropriate punishments for teenagers.

Use time-out with determination and planning, not impulsively. Your child must be able to predict when they might receive time-out. Your child must understand when and how you will use time-out. If you use it for arguing, do not send your child to time-out for messing up the family room. Choose a more suitable punishment, such as cleaning the family room or other rooms in the house. Your child needs to understand how time-out will work in advance of its initial use. Never use time-out as a surprise.

Use time-out consistently. Once you have said that time-out will punish a misbehavior, do so always--no exceptions. Do not slack off, give in, or make excuses. If you do not follow through, even once, you will make the problem worse. You will be creating more work for yourself in the future.

Remain cool and calm when you use time-out. If you let your child push your buttons, time-out will not work. If you get angry, time-out will not work. If you find yourself yelling and screaming when you use time-out, it will not work. If your child succeeds in getting you upset, the effects of time-out will be weakened. If you feel a surge of anger, walk away. Calm down. Then return to the situation. I knew a father who put himself in time-out until he cooled off. He would go for a walk or lie down for a while. He knew that interacting with his children when he was angry always had bad results.

The initial episodes of time-out may be difficult. Some children spend over an hour in time-out on the first few occasions. Early in my career, I worked at a home for boys. A child spent two hours in time-out one day. He had misbehaved and needed to sit quietly for ten minutes. He chose to yell and scream obscenities for two hours before he sat quietly for ten minutes. We hated to hear this child in such a rage, but he had to learn that his tantrums would not work. He had to learn to follow the rules.

Some children really work you over in the beginning. Be prepared, particularly if your child has been getting his way for the last four or eight or ten years. Please be assured that after the first few episodes, time-out gets easier for everyone. There will be a day when your child no longer becomes angry when sent to time-out. There will be a day when you will not need time-out at all.

Using time-outs must be part of a total plan to improve your children's behavior, but they should be only a small part of the plan. The larger part of the plan should emphasize the positive aspects of your children's behavior. Focus 90 percent of your energy on positive behaviors. Catch your children being good. If you take the positive for granted, improvements in your child's behavior will not occur. If you use time-outs to correct misbehavior and forget to reinforce good behavior, time-outs will not be effective. Without the positive emphasis, using time-out by itself will not work. It will not make a lasting change. Time-out will become another form of punishment that your child will learn to tolerate.

Where and how long?Choosing the Best Setting for Time-Out
The setting for time-out needs to be boring. Most bedrooms are like recreation centers. Use a bathroom, laundry room, utility room, or spare bedroom. Use a room with light. Whichever room you select, make it dull. You may want to put a chair in the room. Remove all opportunities for self-amusement. Remove all dangerous items and breakable objects. Remove anything that is valuable. For most children, you will only need to follow these precautions for three weeks or less. Once your children have learned the procedures for time-outs, you may gradually become more trusting.

Many parents have concerns about placing their child in a separate room with the door closed. This is usually more of a problem for the parent than the child. If you do not feel comfortable with the door being closed, you may try leaving it ajar. The risk here is that your child can get up and peek out, make noises for you to hear, listen to other children having fun, and so on. If your child is willing to comply with time-outs with the door ajar, there is no problem. Explain to your child that the door can be left ajar as long as he remains quiet and cooperative. If he begins to act up, the door will be closed. Some parents have used a gate across the bathroom doorway. This is permissible as long as your child does his time-out without manipulating.

Time-out is worth the planning and preparing. The setting for time-outs must be completely safe. Make your time-out room as childproof as possible. Remove anything that might cause harm. Your child must believe that you are confident about the room being safe. Eliminate any doubts that make you feel uncomfortable. Your child may use these doubts against you, saying, "I'm scared. I'm afraid to be alone in here." Do not let these statements influence you into letting your child out before the time is up. Tell your child, "There is nothing in the bathroom that will hurt you." It may be helpful to sit in the time-out room yourself for several minutes. Look around. Pretend you are an angry child. What could you say or do to make Mom or Dad never want to put you in time-out again?

You may have to withstand pressure from friends and relatives. Adults who are unfamiliar with time-outs may regard them as cruel. It's ironic that many parents who see time-outs as mean see nothing wrong with spanking. Do not be influenced by this. I have never known of a child who suffered emotional damage from sitting alone for ten minutes.

Many parents use the bathroom for time-outs. A spare bathroom is preferable. Bathrooms are sturdy and contain few amusements. If you use the bathroom, remember, safety first. Remove all the medicines and all dangerous items such as razors and electrical appliances, and don't forget to remove the toilet paper.

Steven used the bathroom for time-outs with five-year-old Lynn. When he thought he had done everything to make the bathroom safe and boring, Lynn entertained herself by playing with the water in the toilet bowl. A little creativity goes a long way: Steven's remedy was to put a clamp on the toilet lid. He did not abandon the whole idea of time-outs just because there was a setback. He did not say what many parents might have said: "She is just having fun. Time-outs don't work." He worked through the problem. He was committed to making them work.

There is one caution about the bathroom. Do not use the bathroom as your time-out setting for a child who is being toilet trained; this would be confusing. Do not use the bathroom for time-outs with any child when another child is being toilet trained. You do not want your toddler to perceive the bathroom as a bad place. Use a utility room or spare bedroom, or your bedroom as a last resort.

Do not use a chair in the corner or a chair in the hall. Your child will learn that squirming, making faces, rocking, singing, humming, and kicking the chair legs are all excellent ways of getting you angry. Time-out needs to take place away from everyone else. A separate room is best. Kim used the couch for time-out. When her daughter would not sit, Kim would sit next to her and hold her down. This arrangement gave her daughter plenty of power. Her daughter was in charge of time-out, not Kim.

The Time in Time-Out
How long your child spends in a time-out depends on three factors. The first factor is your child's age. For children between the ages of two and three, one or two minutes in time-out is enough. For children between the ages of three and five, two or three minutes in time-out is enough. For children five and older, use five minutes.

Be consistent about the time, even though young children do not always understand the concept of time. Use a timer. An egg timer works well. The child can see the sand falling. This helps keep them occupied. Long time-outs are no better than brief time-outs. The length of time-outs does not change misbehavior; using time-out consistently does.

The second factor is the seriousness of the misbehavior. Manage most misbehaviors equally. Such problem behaviors as arguing, disobedience, improper language, or poor manners would all be five-minute time-outs. If you feel that fighting is more serious, perhaps ten minutes would be the rule. Keep it simple. Use five minutes for most misbehaviors. Use eight or ten minutes for one or two serious misbehaviors.

The third factor is how well your child cooperates. Being uncooperative adds more time. You want time-outs to work as smoothly as possible. If the standard time-out is five minutes, the time is five minutes only if your child goes to time-out willingly and sits quietly. If your child struggles on the way to time-out, double the time. Double the time only once.

If your child screams or has a tantrum while in time-out, ignore it. Do not start the timer until he is quiet. Simply tell your child that he has five (or ten) minutes and that you will start the timer when he is quiet. I tell children to knock on the door when they are ready to start their time. All the time spent yelling and having a tantrum does not count. This is how some children end up spending an hour or more in time-outs.

Children cry when they are unhappy. If your child whimpers a little, ignore it and let the timer continue to run. Ignore any singing, humming, storytelling, or poetry recitals. Do not start the timer if your child can be heard throughout the house. Treat this as an outburst. The rule is: if your child is sobbing, singing, or making noises to amuse himself, let the timer run. But if he is trying to get you upset, do not start the timer. Wait for him to become quiet. Tell him to notify you when he is ready to start the time.

Explain and be specificThe Priority Misbehavior
A priority misbehavior is a specific action that you consider inappropriate or problematic. It is a priority because you want to deal with it now. It is a misbehavior that you want your child to stop doing. The priority misbehavior you select must be very specific. Examples of specific misbehaviors are fighting, arguing, talking back, and swearing. Terms such as obnoxious, mean, and rude are not good priority misbehaviors. These terms are not specific; they do not describe the misbehavior in a meaningful way. We all understand what these terms mean in a general sense. The problem is, these terms can be misinterpreted and create arguments. What is obnoxious to you may not be obnoxious to your child.

You may need to practice being specific. If your children misbehave a lot, it is easy to lose sight of the actual misbehaviors: "My child is always in trouble," "He never does anything the way I want him to," "She never has a good day," "He gets so obnoxious I could scream," "That child will never behave." If you find yourself thinking this way, consider exactly what it is that your child does. Carmen will not do things when asked. Francis hits his sister. Clint does not do his chores on time.

When the priority misbehavior occurs, tell your child what he has done and send him to time-out. Stay calm. Be firm and assertive.

Mom: "Greg, would you please take out the trash?"
Greg: "I don't feel like it. I'll do it later."
Mom: "Greg, that is not obeying. Go to time-out. You have five minutes."

Once you tell your child that he has earned a time-out, do not change your mind. Some children will suddenly become obedient and cooperative, hoping you will be lenient. Do not be fooled.

Mom: "Greg, that is not obeying. Go to time-out. You have five minutes."
Greg: "Okay. I'll do it now. I'll take out the trash."
Mom: "No. First you have to go to time-out. You can take out the trash when your time is finished."

Greg misbehaved by not taking out the trash when asked. Mom correctly enforced time-out. Greg tried tempting her by conceding to do what Mom asked. Now he has decided that taking out the trash is better than having a time-out. Too late. Do not surrender to these attempts; you will be encouraging your child to tease and plead and argue. Once a rule is broken, enforce the time-out rule.

When you use time-out for the first time, begin with one misbehavior. Choose one misbehavior that you want to decrease. Do not choose the most troublesome misbehavior to start, but choose a more moderate problem. This will familiarize you and your child with time-out procedures before you attempt to tackle the big problems. Be consistent with this beginning misbehavior. Your success here sets the pattern.

When you have the first misbehavior under control, use time-out for a second misbehavior. Be cautious; you want your child to be successful. Moving ahead slowly is much safer than moving too quickly. Add new priority misbehaviors slowly and systematically to ensure feelings of success.

How to Explain Time-Out to Your Children
Sit down with each child separately and explain time-outs. Timing and judgment are critical; choose a time when things are going well. Do not try to explain time-out shortly after a blowup, when you or your child is angry. Explain that a time-out is something that is going to help him behave and make better decisions. Describe time-outs as time sitting alone in the bathroom (or whatever room you are going to use). Explain how the time works--five minutes if he cooperates, longer if there is a problem. The timer will tell your child when time-out is over. If you suspect that your child may be uncooperative, explain the consequences of these actions in more detail. Finally, describe the priority misbehavior to your child. Discuss this thoroughly and give examples. Be sure he understands the misbehavior.

It is important to ignore any negative remarks that your child may make while you are explaining time-out. Don't expect enthusiasm. Simply explain time-out as specifically and as clearly as possible. Here is an example of a father and mother explaining time-out to their seven-year-old son.

Dad: "Greg, could you come here, please? Mom and I would like to talk with you about something."
Greg: "What do you want?"
Mom: "You have been doing pretty well with your behavior lately in most things, but there are still times when you do not do what you are told."
Dad: "We want to tell you about something that is going to help you behave and make better decisions about your behavior."
Greg: "What is it?"
Mom: "It's called time-out."
Dad: "Time-out means going to the bathroom and sitting by yourself. If you go right away and you do not argue, you only have to sit for five minutes."
Greg: "What if I don't go?"
Mom: "If you argue or don't go right away, then you will have to sit for ten minutes."
Dad: "If you yell, or kick, or slam the bathroom door, then you will add five more minutes."
Greg: "Get real. I'll be in there until I'm ten."
Dad: "Do you have any questions so far?"
Greg: "What a dumb idea. It will never work for me. I'm too bullheaded. Isn't that what you have been telling me?"
Dad: "When you go to time-out, we will set the timer on the oven for five minutes. When you hear the buzzer, you can come out." Mom: "But if you are noisy in there, or if you choose to have a tantrum in there, the time will not count. We will not start the timer until you are sitting quietly."
Dad: "So the sooner you sit quietly, the sooner you get out."
Mom: "Do you understand how the timer works?"
Greg: "Yes. But I still don't think it will work."
Mom: "If you make a mess in the bathroom, you will have to sit an extra five minutes. You will have to clean it up before you can come out. If you break anything in there, you will have to pay for it out of your allowance."
Dad: "You will go to time-out when you do not do what we ask. When you do not obey us."
Mom: "From now on, when we ask you to do something and you don't do it, you will go to time-out."
Dad: "We hope that you won't have to go in there very often, but the choice is yours. If you obey, you won't need to go in there. It is really up to you."

Write down what you are going to say to your child. Make a list of things you want to discuss ahead of time. Here is an outline that will help you stay on track when explaining time-out to your child.

Explain these points:

• Time-out is going to help improve behavior.
• What time-out is.
• How the time works.
• The use of the timer.
• Describe and give an example of the priority misbehavior.

You must remember to:

• Choose a good time to talk.
• Ignore any negative comments from your child.
• Stay calm no matter what happens.

Keep a time-out recordWhat to Say When Time-Out Is Over
For most misbehaviors, start fresh when your child completes time-out. If your daughter went to time-out for swearing, change the subject when she exits. Do not lecture her on the evils of using improper language. Your words will likely land on deaf ears. The time to explain right and wrong is later, when your daughter is more receptive.

Here is an example:

Sarah: (Says a bad word.)
Mom: "Sarah, that's swearing. Go to time-out."
(Five minutes later, Sarah comes out of time-out.)
Mom: "Have you seen my calculator anywhere?"
(Mom changes the subject--to start fresh.)

Here is what NOT to do:

(Sarah comes out of time-out.)
Mom: "Now aren't you sorry you said that word?"
Sarah: "No!"
Mom: "Then you march right back into time-out and do not come out until you are sorry!"

If your child went to time-out for refusing to do something, then he must do the task when he comes out of time-out. If your son went to time-out for refusing to set the table, he must set the table when he comes out. If he refuses, send him back to time-out. Doing time-out is not a trade for setting the table. Do not let his refusal to set the table delay dinner; that would give him power. If you suspect that your son may not cooperate, ask him to set the table an hour before dinnertime. This gives him plenty of chances to set the table. Spending an entire hour in time-out (five minutes at a time) may encourage him to be more cooperative.

Here is a caution about time-out and chores. Having household jobs teaches children responsibility. Jobs give children an opportunity to accomplish something and feel proud. I have known some parents who expect their children to do several hours of housework every day. Children resent working if it becomes burdensome. Children need responsibilities, but they also need to be children. They should not spend hours each day doing housework. Do not use time-outs to make servants of your children.

You Can't Win If You Don't Keep Score
Keep a record or chart of your child's time-outs. Charting helps you be consistent. It is easy to be consistent with a new idea, just as it is easy to diet for three days. As the novelty wears off, we get lazy. Charting makes you stay consistent. The chart will show that your child goes to time-out less and less. Looking at the chart will make you and your child feel successful, and feeling successful will keep both of you motivated. You and your child will be achieving your goal. Download the Time-Out Chart here.

Count the number of time-outs per day or per week. If the number of time-outs goes down, the system is working fine. Do not be discouraged if your child's chart does not show improvement quickly; some children need more time. Some children are persistent and resist change. Some children have several good days and then a few bad days. Some children may even misbehave more at first. They want you to think that no matter what you try to do, it won't work. They think, "I'll show you."

Charting is important because the rate of improvement varies from child to child. Some children improve dramatically in less than a week. If this happens to your child, you will believe that time-out works well. Some children are more persistent in their misbehavior. Improvement is much slower and more difficult to see on a day-to-day basis. It may take several weeks before you see significant improvement. You will be tempted to stop using time-out and add it to the "We have tried everything" list. Your child may average four time-outs a day the first week. At the end of two weeks, he may average three time-outs a day. This is a small improvement. A chart will show small improvements. A chart will keep you from being discouraged if large improvements do not occur right away. There will be days that you will need all the encouragement you can get.

Many days may pass with no time-outs. Then several time-outs will occur within a few days. Some children test more than others. Every once in a while, your child will test you to see if anything has changed. He needs assurance that you still mean what you say. Charting will let you know if this happens with your child.

Sometimes time-outs increase because you are having bad days. Maybe you have let your children get away with a bit more misbehavior than usual. You have not been as consistent as you need to be. Maybe your focus is negative. You have forgotten to look for good behavior.

"Go Ahead, I Like Time-Out"
What if your child says, "Go ahead. I like time-out. It gives me a chance to get away from the rest of this crazy family for a few minutes"? Many clever children make statements like this. It may be true--at least the part about getting a break from the rest of the family--but ignore these remarks completely. This will not be easy. Do not start lecturing and moralizing. Do not respond with, "There must be something wrong with you if you like time-out." This will only convince your child that your button is being pushed. Do not get trapped into believing everything your child says. If you want to evaluate time-out, do not ask your child. Look at the time-out chart.

What If There Is No Improvement?
It only means there is no improvement--yet. For most parents, the reason time-out does not work is because they are too impatient. We want quicker results for our hard work. Children learn to be more persistent than their parents. Children know that if they are stubborn long enough, Mom and Dad will give in, just like all the other times.

Keep charts on time-outs for several weeks. With some children, a little improvement is all you get at first. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I being consistent? Am I following through every time the priority misbehavior occurs? You cannot skip a few times. If you only follow through when you feel like it, you will make the problem worse. You will be teaching your child that being persistent in a negative way pays off.

Am I getting angry when I use time-out? Some children want you to get angry. This is their goal. They will gladly serve several time-outs as long as they can push your button each time. Getting you angry may be a bigger reward than any amount of time-out. In other words, the punishment of time-out is outweighed by the reward of your anger.

Am I giving my child too much attention when I use time-out? Do not engage in long discussions and explanations. Do not let time-outs pull you away from other children or other responsibilities for long talks. Five minutes in time-out is a good trade for some of Mom's or Dad's individual attention. If time-out seems more like a game than a punishment, you are giving too much attention.

Am I forgetting to be positive about good behavior? You cannot use time-out alone and expect it to work. Use time-outs as part of a total plan. Spend more energy on the positive than the negative. If you only concentrate on misbehavior, time-out will not be as effective.

A parent recently told me that time-out changed her entire family. For years, she and her husband would yell and spank. The children would yell in return. Her seven-year-old son summed it up best: "I like time-out, Mom. It's better than what we used to do."

Time-out is a mild form of punishment that works. Use time-out with determination and planning, and arrange it in advance. This will teach your children how to predict the consequences of their behavior and make better decisions. Use time-out consistently, each time the priority misbehavior occurs. Be calm and in control of the situation when you use time-out. If you get angry, you are using time-out incorrectly.