How Does a Child Learn Manners?

Children receive a great deal of manners instruction throughout childhood from parents and other adults. Even more powerful in shaping a child's manners are the social interactions he experiences and observes in his immediate family and in the world around him. Children are born with the capacity to be highly observant of their families, according to ̶0;Revisiting and Updating the Multicultural Principles For Head Start Programs,̶1; prepared by the Office of Head Start. They use those innate capacities to begin absorbing information about social behavior and manners right from the start, with their very first interactions.

  1. The Parent-Child Relationship

    • Children learn their earliest lessons about social relationships from how their parents interact with them, for better or worse. Speaking to a child in a courteous, respectful manner right from the start establishes this way of interacting as the norm. Good manners don't lie only in what is said, but also in behaviors, such as listening carefully when someone is speaking to you. Children learn good manners from parents who strive to consistently model them.

    Children Watching Parents Interact

    • Parents have a strong influence on a child's understanding of how people should be treated. Children watch the way parents treat each other, whether it be with courtesy, contempt or indifference, and take that learning into their own social interactions. They observe their parents as they interact with people of all sorts, noting the differences in how a parent speaks to a doctor, a grocery store cashier or a stranger. Keenly observant, children take in countless cues from their parents regarding manners.

    Good Manners Are Expected

    • When parents expect good manners, children are more likely to be well-mannered, according to Dr. William Sears, a pediatrician and author. Be specific when you talk to your child about the manners you want him to use. Instead of a general reminder to be polite when going to a restaurant, remind your child to try to be extra neat so the waitress doesn't have to work harder than she already must, to use an inside voice so the other diners can also enjoy their night out, and to thank the waitress on the way out.

    The Etiquette Equation

    • If a child isn't using manners the way a parent thinks he should, there are two basic parts to the solution. Continue to teach the child about manners, detailing ways of behaving in specific situations. That, however, is only half of the etiquette equation. If a child doesn't say please and thank you enough, the parent should consider how often he uses those words with his child. If the child interrupts and talks over other people, the parent should pay attention to how often he does the same to his child. Manners can slip when tired, distracted or hurried. Parents can improve their children's manners by taking extra care with their own.

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