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Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety

Separation Anxiety

Q-tip

It may ease separation anxiety later if you at least occasionally employ a sitter during the first six months of your baby's life. She may feel more comfortable with separation if it has always been a familiar aspect of her life.

If your child does suffer from separation anxiety, try to ignore the hysterics and make parting as short and sweet as possible. Say good-bye with a smile and a hug and step outside the door. Then come back five minutes later. Don't go back into the room (or house), just stand outside the door or perhaps look in through a window. Chances are that your baby will already have quieted down and adjusted to her day-care situation. If, over the course of a week or two, she doesn't calm down within 10 minutes or so of your departure, you can always reconsider your decision-either about putting her in day care at all or about using this particular day-care provider.

No matter how fantastic your sitter or day-care provider seems, both you and your baby may suffer from some separation anxiety when it comes time to part.

Especially toward the end of your baby's first year, as her memory begins to develop, separation anxiety may become almost unbearable for both of you. Your 10-month-old will know that as soon as the baby sitter steps in the door or as soon as you walk into the day-care room, you'll soon be going. Your baby may cry almost hysterically when it's time for you to leave. And she may repeat this scenario day after day.

The worst part for your baby (and therefore for you) is the act of separation. Your baby may remember similar situations from the past and therefore anticipate the separation. But in her focus on the immediate moment's anxiety, she may not remember the happy reunion that always followed in the past. She may think you won't ever come back.

After you're gone, however, your baby may forget that you've gone at all. (Focusing on the immediate moment does have its advantages.) Or maybe she calms down enough to remember now that you do always return. Fortunately, as with crying herself to sleep, your baby's periods of tears will become shorter and shorter each day (though they may escalate again if she's sick, tired, or otherwise susceptible to teariness).

As great as your baby's anxiety may seem, your own anxiety may be even worse. You may plague yourself with questions like:

• Will she survive without you?
• Will she miss you?
• Are you being too selfish?
• Will the separation somehow harm your baby?

Try to be grateful that your baby has someone else who also loves her and wants to care for her. After all, if you have formed a loving relationship with your child and if you continue to bond well with her during your time together, what harm will it do to have other warm, sensitive, loving caregivers bond with her, too? Your baby is perfectly capable of bonding with more than one or two people. (If you nonetheless feel jealous of your baby's caregiver, you may want to re-evaluate your priorities and take some more "time off" before returning to work.)

Take heart. Separating usually gets easier after the first few times. You'll learn that your child did survive and will survive. You'll recognize that she appears relatively unscathed. And you'll be relieved to see that she seems just as happy to see you as ever.

Making separating easier

What's Your Hurry?

Q-tip

If your baby has a security blanket, a special stuffed animal, or another object that makes him feel safe, by all means let him bring it to day care or have it available when the sitter arrives (and when you leave). Don't ever tease him about it or discourage his use of it. Just because your baby needs something else to feel safe, especially when you're not around, doesn't mean that you haven't done your part to nurture his sense of security. On the contrary, your baby wouldn't be able to take advantage of such a substitute if you hadn't given him a sense of security.

With any new sitter or day-care situation, give your baby time to get used to the idea before running off and "abandoning" him. Ideally, you will be leaving him with someone he knows. Arrange to have the sitter arrive at least 15 minutes early (paid, of course), or even better, have the sitter come for one or two visits while you're both there before you leave him or her alone with your baby.

In a day-care situation, plan to stay for at least half an hour on the first few days and perhaps even the entire first day. Again, try to arrange for you and your baby to have paid extended visits to the site before he has to go it alone. Then, on his first days, give your baby the opportunity and the encouragement to get involved in some activity before you go.

For both your baby's sake and your own, start small. Ease your baby into longer separations by first going on short outings: perhaps a half-hour or hour apart (or even as little as 15 minutes). This process allows both you and your baby to build trust in his caregiver in small stages. Then gradually extend your time apart until you reach the amount of time you'll regularly need.

When it comes time to go, don't try to sneak out of the house (or the day-care center). If you do, your baby will never know when you're leaving, and he may become more clingy than ever-even in situations when you're not going anywhere.

Make good-byes short, sweet, and predictable. Strive to create a parting ritual similar to your bedtime ritual. Don't insist that he stop crying before you leave. (Think what power that gives him.) Smile, offer reassuring words, give him a hug and a kiss, let him know you'll miss him, and then go already. Your baby relies on you to determine whether everything is safe, so he needs to see that you have confidence that everything will be all right. That's why warmth and smiles at parting are so important.