How to Get Apathetic Teenagers to Be Engaged
Although some teenagers pass through a phase of defiance and rebellion, others appear to get mired in persistent apathy and boredom. Psychoanalyst Peter Blos writes that both represent different forms of the same struggle, which is relinquishing a dependent childhood self-state in favor of an emerging young adult identity. Warmth, patience and humor can go a long way toward helping a teenager emerge from apathy.
Instructions
Refrain from hurrying. This may sound crazy, but a teenager who can't face going to school or college misses out on important education every day that she can't rise out of bed. Prodding and urging almost always creates additional resistance. Patiently getting along with an apathetic adolescent produces greater results than headlong confrontation. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott suggests that a period of wallowing in what he calls "the doldrums" is a necessary part of adolescent development and should meet with tolerant patience from adults. Accept the teenage doldrums. This doesn't mean neglecting a teenager or giving up. It means acknowledging that some developmental processes are beyond adult correction, and believing that going on caring remains essential. Puberty and adolescence never amount to the same thing. Some children find the onset of secondary sexual characteristics and the disappearance of the childhood body as a disturbing mutation for which they are emotionally unprepared, Winnicott states. Continue to have fun. Play family games, take fun vacations, enjoy conversations around the dining table, but above all, maintain a convivial atmosphere. A teenager may exclude himself from such activities, but will observe them intently and may even choose to join in from time to time. Never comment on this, just accept it graciously. Adolescents don't know how to stop childhood and start adulthood overnight. A fun-filled, warm and loving family environment helps teens adjust to adulthood far more effectively than a censorious, excessively anxious and punitive one. Accept temporary rejection. An apathetic teen frequently struggles inwardly to discover who she wants to turn into as an adult, and parents frequently get bad press in the teenage mind during this evaluation. So "suck it up" and accept it. Parental love must survive adolescent rejection, which usually ends in appreciation and gratitude on behalf of the young person. Followers of psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, such as John Steiner, argue that a psychoanalyst's willingness to endure being treated as "bad" during analytic treatment, without retaliation or masochistic submission, eventually establishes him as good and wise in the patient's mind. The same applies to parents, so don't react punitively or impatiently to apathy. Teenagers often propel themselves deeper into feelings of futility by adult impatience. Keep an optimistic outlook. This involves a willingness to include the teenager in all activities and events, even if she refuses to participate and seems despairing. As Winnicott notes, the cure for adolescence is the passage of time. What happens while this times passes is crucial. Loving, patient, parental concern works far more efficiently in the long run than impatient, anxious coercion. Adolescents usually find themselves drawn to fun and laughter, even when they wear dark clothes and brood in their bedrooms. Keep love and humor alive in the face of adolescent apathy, and the stirrings of interest and motivation will begin to grow. Previous:How to Build a Better Relationship With Your Teenage Daughter Next:How Can a Teen Girl Have a Mother-Daughter Relationship?
