Negative Effects of Being a Friend Instead of a Parent

When you and your child began the parent-child relationship, it moved forward with you caring for the child and your child receiving your care. Soon, the caregiving forged a bond between you and your child, explains Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., with the Psychology Today website. As the years progress, it can be tempting for friendship to evolve, but parents should tread carefully. There can be negative effects of parents acting as friends instead of parents.

  1. Lack of Limits

    • When a parent becomes caught up in a friendship with a child instead of assuming the role of authoritative parent, a common issue becomes a lack of limits, states Bonnie Harris, author and parenting specialist. A parent may withhold limits, fearing that the child won̵7;t love her. The parent may also strive unnecessarily to avoid upsetting the child as an extension of the lack of limits. This situation can create an undisciplined child who does not understand boundaries.

    Inappropriate Confidences

    • Friends usually share feelings and confidences as a part of the relationship. Unfortunately, if a friendship between parent and child includes confidences, this can blur the line of parental authority, advises James Lehman, MSW, with the Empowering Parents website. Furthermore, an immature child is not emotionally capable of receiving and responding to confidences appropriately. This level of friendship between parent and child can also elevate the child to a place where the child participates in decisions, which is not an appropriate position for a child.

    Approaching Independence

    • It̵7;s natural and normal for kids to begin preparing for independence as adolescence begins -- from the preteen age onward. This approaching independence involves a natural separation from parents as the child begins to question parental values and morals and considers her own views and opinions. As this natural process begins and ensues, an overinvested parent may feel intense fear and loss at the change. The off-balance relationship can also create difficulties for the child, especially if the parent enforces rules that the child doesn̵7;t like.

    Unfair Strings

    • A parent may invest excessive emotions, time and effort in being a friend to a child. An unfortunate result of this friendship can be the parent̵7;s over-involvement with the child. The parent may feel lonely without the child, having failed to cultivate appropriate friendships. This situation can lead to the parent attaching emotional strings to the child, attempting to preserve the friendship, warns Harris. The parent may behave inappropriately, attempting to coerce or demand the child̵7;s loyalty and friendship in situations when the child may be looking elsewhere for companionship.

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