How to Listen to a Teen's Complaints
As your child reaches her teen years, she̵7;s likely experiencing a rift between her social and family lives. The difference in her social motivations and the responsibilities you put on her as a child reaching adulthood might not mesh, causing frequent complaining. This is normal but not something parents should ignore. By listening to your teen̵7;s complains in an active and empathetic way, you strengthen your relationship and allow for better joint decision-making.
Instructions
Prepare yourself to listen to something negative. Condition yourself to see complains from your teen as both natural and positive, though the actual content of what he says might be negative. Convince yourself that listening to your teen̵7;s genuine complaints is an opportunity to become more intimate with your teen and to engage him in a learning experience, which becomes harder as children near adolescence. By mentally preparing yourself in this way, the conversation will go forward more smoothly than it would have had you started with the mental note, ̶0;Here he goes complaining again.̶1; Validate your teen̵7;s feelings. Understand that your teen̵7;s motivations, interpretations and even complaining behavior might be wrong but that her emotions are never wrong. Recognize that negative emotions are natural and do not easily fall under the control of teens or even adults. Note that your teen, a child in a phase in which volatile and dangerous reactions to negative emotions are common, is at least handling her negative emotions in the right way -- through words. Consider verbalizing this thought and the acceptance of your teen̵7;s emotions at the beginning of the conversation. Listen empathetically. Allow your teen to say his piece. Listen for the emotional cues in his complaint, such as ̶0;I am sick of this̶1; or ̶0;It̵7;s unfair to me.̶1; Through body language or words, show your teen you accept his emotions. Keep in mind that accepting his emotions does not imply you accept his complaint; you can agree that he feels the situation is unfair without agreeing that the situation is, in fact, unfair. Respond to your teen's complaint. Summarize her emotions. If you agree with her complaint, discuss ways to solve the issue. If you disagree, explain why, making sure to re-emphasize that your disagreement does not invalidate her feelings. Avoid getting into an argument, as this compromises your position as the family authority, according to John Gottman, developmental psychologist and author of ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.̶1; Finish by praising her for coming to you and expressing herself. Previous:No
