Verbal De-Escalation Strategies for Teens

Dealing with an angry or out-of-control teenager can be frustrating and sometimes scary. Many teens can't rationally discuss their feelings on the level an adult can be expected to. Often, the result is rising tension that shows itself in arguments or shouting matches. If you're not careful in the way you handle your teen when he has an outburst, the problem could escalate -- your teen could try to hurt you or himself. With verbal de-escalation strategies, you can learn to diffuse uncomfortable or dangerous circumstances.

  1. Rational Detachment

    • One of the first skills people who work with teens who are prone to violent or angry outbursts learn is how to remain rationally detached. Rational detachment is maintaining enough mental and emotional distance from the person who is having a problem that you don't make the problem your own. Maintaining rational detachment helps keep you from becoming irrational yourself when your teen is acting unreasonably. Before you engage your teen in an argument, take a breath and remind yourself that becoming angry will make the problem worse. You are the adult and need to be rational, especially when your teen isn't.

    Full Attention

    • Teens won't come right out and tell you that they want your attention. Still, your teen needs your attention. Many of the behaviors that annoy parents -- especially arguing and fighting -- are subconscious attempts to gain attention. When you sense your teen is getting angry, set aside whatever else you are doing and give her your full attention. Often, simply knowing that they have your attention will go a long way toward de-escalating an outburst. In giving your teen your attention, listen before you speak. When you do speak, speak softly and with a level tone.

    Empathy

    • When a teen is upset, expect him to make some irrational comments. Ask open-ended questions that convey you are trying to understand how he feels. For example, if your teen is angry because he doesn't like the curfew you've imposed, ask him what he would like to do if he were allowed to stay out later. Once your teen calms down, you could negotiate some conditions that let him stay out later. In this sense, dealing with a teen is no different than dealing with anyone else. No one really wins in an argument, but everyone can win if you can both stay calm and have a discussion.

    Watch Your Para- and Nonverbals

    • Para-verbal communication involves your tone and cadence. Nonverbal communication involves your body language and any other communication that is not verbal. You can say all the right things to de-escalate your teen, but if your tone, the look on your face, or the way you have your arms crossed doesn't support what you're saying, your teen's anger is going to rise. If you find yourself getting angry, take that extra moment to compose yourself and be aware of your body language before you speak. If you find you can't do that, try to end the discussion by admitting you are becoming angry. Do this without judging or blaming the teen for your anger. Say something along the lines of, "We're both angry right now. I do want to discuss this and to understand how you feel. Can we talk about it after we've both had a little while to calm down?"

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