How to Pick the Right Battles With a Teenager

You may wonder if you will ever have the loving and warm relationship that you once had with your child - before she entered her teens and the cold war started with every day a new battle and eventual victor. While it may seem important to hold your ground on every issue, learning to choose your battles has two benefits. It allows your teen independence, which can result in her listening to you more. And it helps increase the peace in your home. Learn to pick the battles that matter and allow some wiggle room on the stuff that doesn't.

Instructions

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      Evaluate your parenting goals and the importance of your teen's actions. If your main goals are to keep your teen healthy and on-track for college, you may be a stickler for good nutrition, exercise and academics. It can also mean you can be a little more lenient in those areas that won't affect your parenting goals, such as appearance or music tastes. Huck House, a family counseling agency, suggests this simple test: Will the behavior be OK in two years? If not, it may be OK to let the issue slide. If it will be important, such as experimenting with drugs, address the behavior now.

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      Communicate your expectations to your teen. By telling your teen about your parenting goals and what you expect from her, you're better able to pick those battles that involve willfully breaking rules. If your teen doesn't know what's expected, she can hardly live up to those expectations -- which can be fodder for future battles.

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      Allow your teen to experiment with her independence in safe areas suggests Fairfax County Public Schools' website. While you don't want her to experiment with drugs and alcohol, giving her the freedom to make safer choices such as to color her hair pink or join drama club instead of science club, can help give your teen enough leeway that you're not constantly at war. By respecting her independence on less-important things, she may be more willing to listen when it really counts. And she will have more practice making decisions.

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      Create consistent rules surrounding the issues that are important to you. If you expect respect from your teen, avoiding letting something important slide. Doing so will buy a few moments of peace and that smile you miss so much, but once your teen detects a weakness, she will likely exploit it and use it for future ammunition. Instead, choose only the very most important behaviors to create clear rules around each and uphold the rules with consistent consequences. It's natural for teens to push boundaries, so make the ones you set count and be the rock your teen needs, even though she may pout or tantrum.

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      Wait for the right time to address issues with your teen. If you pounce on your teen about curfew as soon as she walks in the door, for instance, she may become more focused on defending her action than on listening to your concerns. If you wait until you're calmer to talk about why she was late, a battle may fizzle into a discussion -- and maybe even a hug.

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