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Teens and Partying

Setting rules

Teens and Partying

You can already guess the drawbacks of entertaining teenagers in your own home (fingerprints all over the walls, no food left in the refrigerator, and so on), but there are some definite advantages. To begin, if they're at your house, you know where they are. In addition, if they're at your house, you'll get to know them (a little, anyway). It's also nice to let your teenager know that you welcome his friends just as you welcome your own.

Another thought to keep in mind: in most communities (especially in rural or suburban areas) the kids don't have a lot of options; movies are expensive, and ice cream parlors or local restaurants often close early. If they're looking for a safe place to simply hang out, they need a home.

And actually “hanging out” at your place is preferable to an official party that carries with it higher expectations than simply letting kids sit around and watch a movie or listen to music.

“There's a Party Tonight!”

If you do step into the role of official “party-thrower” for a birthday celebration or post-prom bash, keep the following in mind:

• Ask your teen to draw up a guest list of a limited number of kids. In general, 20–30 kids is a manageable group. (Large parties are almost impossible to control.)
• Specify “no crashers.” Once teens can drive, party-crashing can and does occur; indicate that you'll be around throughout the party, and if too many kids appear, you'll have to close down.
• Agree ahead of time to the hours of the party. An end time gives you added control.
• If your teen needs a reminder, say that alcohol and drugs will not be tolerated. If kids bring in beer or any other substance, you can certainly ask them to leave.
• Specify that those who come to the party are to stay at the party; kids arriving, leaving, and returning are more likely to be bringing in illegal substances or are partaking elsewhere and then coming back—and you don't need that either.
• While you certainly don't want to monitor the party moment-to-moment, try to walk by once or twice during the evening (if only to bring in more food). If the party is in a basement rec room, keep some of the food upstairs. If the kids come up and realize parents are around, their behavior will probably remain more civilized.
• Invite another parent to keep you company. This also provides you with someone who knows some of the kids whom you don't know.
• If you have agreed to a large party, notify the neighbors, and tell the police. The police may be able to make suggestions regarding parking, and if they're keeping their eye out for you that night, it's all for the good.
• See Talking About Drugs and Alcohol for information about your legal responsibilities regarding teens and alcohol.

Partying Elsewhere

Parents tell horror stories that sound like something straight out of Risky Business: they were out for the evening, and their teenagers entertained without permission. The results were disastrous: the neighbors called the police, many of the kids got drunk, and the living room furniture will never look the same.

You don't want to be those parents, but you also don't want your teen to be at that party. That's why I'm going to give you some additional guidelines.

Every book you read says, “Call the parents to find out if anyone is going to be home.” I recommend that, too, but with full acknowledgment that it's difficult to call people you don't know to quiz them about their plans and still maintain a relationship with your teen. As alternatives, you might try the following: (Don't tell your teen that you plan to call. It will only make him mad.)

• Call, but call with an offer: “How nice of you to have the kids over Friday night. Could I drop off some soda ahead of time, or is there anything else I can do to help you out?” If the party was a “surprise” party for the parents, you've just blown the whistle in the nicest of ways. If the call goes well, you've also made a new contact.
• Network. Call people you know who may be able to tell you what the scene will be like, or who can call and find out the arrangements for the party.
• Discuss times and transportation with your teen. What are the hours of the party, and how is your teen getting there? Remind her that if she goes elsewhere—for any reason—she's to call you.
• Tell your teen that she can call you (or another adult whom you both trust) at any time—no questions asked—if she wants to leave the party.
• Remind your teen never to ride with someone who has been drinking. (Refer to Teen Driving: Keeping Your Teen Safe for additional guidelines.)
• Stay awake, or have your teen wake you, when he gets home. This is your opportunity to check on what condition he's in following a party.
• Be suspicious if your teen frequently sleeps elsewhere after a party. He may not want to run into you for some reason. (Get the hint?)

Establishing responsibilities

Tuning In

Throughout elementary school you've probably been in close touch with the families of your children's friends. As your kids enter middle school and high school, it's more important than ever that you keep building those connections. You can stay in touch by meeting them at school functions, or simply chatting if you run into them around town. If your parent-chain is strong enough, you ought to be able to find out what's really happening on any given weekend with only a phone call or two.

While the Cat's Away…

If you're going to be gone for a few days and are planning to leave your 17- or 18-year-old at home alone, you need to carefully evaluate the situation. Here are a few pointers:

• You may want to re-think your plans. If your teen can't hold off a crowd who learns you're not at home, both you and your teen may be very sorry you ever left town.
• If you have to be away and your teen can't or won't come along, consider asking a relative or hiring someone to come stay during the night.
• Ask if your teen can stay with a friend.
• Tell neighbors you trust to keep an eye out while you are gone. Ask that they call the police (or a person you designate) if a large gathering shows up at your place.

One mother of a basically good teen who ran into problems when she went on a weekend trip tells the following story: “This winter my son, who is a senior in high school, said to me, ‘Mom, why don't you go skiing on the weekends anymore?' and I replied: ‘Because when I went away for a weekend last year, you proved to me why I can't.' And he's a basically good kid.”

Like it or not, our child care responsibilities don't necessarily get easier as our kids get older. (You may remember fondly the days when relief was a phone-call-to-the-sitter away!)

Setting Curfews: Pumpkin Time

Just as Cinderella's fairy godmother did not hesitate to give her a curfew, neither should you pause before telling your teen a time by which he is to be home.

And just as adjustable mortgages have their advantages, so do adjustable curfews. Most families have success by establishing a set time for nights when the kids are “just hanging out” and another time for special occasions. If you're in sync with the rest of your teen's friends, enforcement will be a snap.

The consequences for missing a curfew and not calling should involve coming in earlier the next night, or not going out at all—depending on how serious you consider the infraction.

Pajama Party

As if parenting isn't tough enough…your 16-year-old daughter skips through the living room and announces, “Bye, Mom. We're all sleeping over at John's tonight.”

You really needed to deal with coed sleepovers, didn't you? Yeah, right, as the teen set would say.

With this issue, like everything else, you have to decide what makes you comfortable. If the thought of your son or daughter participating in a coed pajama party drives you crazy, then forget it. Lay down the law: he or she just can't, because you say so. (You do have the right to say that occasionally; just not too often, or you'll lose your ability to communicate effectively.)

However, if you're at all open to learning more about today's social scene, consider the following reasons given by parents who permitted coed group sleepovers:

• “My son went to a coed sleepover the night of the junior prom,” explains one mother. “He attended the prom with the group of kids he hangs out with. There are both boys and girls in the crowd, but none of them are romantically linked. When they asked if they could come back to one of the girl's houses for the night, we agreed. We know the family well, and we found it far preferable to them going to clubs or looking for a ‘party' in some other way. They're good kids, and all things considered, this seemed like an acceptable alternative.”
• “Kids today aren't dating the way we did,” says another mother. “My daughter socializes with a big group of kids, none of whom would be said to be dating. They've had one or two social all-nighters, and because we knew the family—and knew the parents would be home—we permitted her to go. Even though I doubt that the parents stayed awake all night, we felt she would be okay.”

Note that in both situations there were no serious couples in the mix, and the exact location where the kids would be was known to the parent giving the “okay.”

And what about a sleepover with a “significant other?” Liberal parents have been known to permit it: “I know they're ‘doing it,' so I'd rather have them at home,” goes the thinking. You have to make up your own mind on this issue. Be sure to read What to Tell Your Teen About Sex for tips on sex and sexuality. And if you just don't like the idea, you can always simply say, “I'm not comfortable with that in my home.”

So the next time your teenager comes home with a sleepover request, you might double-check the guest list (now you'll know to be heads up on this one!), and if it turns out it's coed, you can consider it with these comments in mind.

Info Flash

When young adolescents say they're “going out” with members of the opposite sex, it doesn't mean going anyplace; it just means being romantically linked.

What to Do About Other Household Rules

Like boys in your daughter's bedroom!

Life was certainly simpler when you and I were growing up: No members of the opposite sex in bedrooms, right? Well, it's a new day. You need to be reasonable and flexible about some of the issues that come your way. Because coed groups of friends are a part of many teens' social lives, it's awfully hard to say, “no boys (or girls) in your room” (especially if that's where the CD player is). Try this:

If the member of the opposite sex is a friend, then the bedroom is on-limits, even with an occasional closed door. If the member of the opposite sex is your teen's “significant other,” then being in the bedroom is permissible only if the door is open.