How to Negotiate a Curfew With a Teenager

While some parents might tell you to be firm with your teen when setting rules and to not allow a two-sided discussion, negotiations don̵7;t have to be symbolic of parents giving into their teens. Parents who involve their children in decision-making and rule-setting implicitly show their children the importance of problem-solving and self-control, according to John Gottman, developmental psychologist and author of ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.̶1; So not only will the negotiation of a curfew result in a tangible time limit but it will also help your teen grow as a person.

Instructions

    • 1

      Agree on the goals. State clearly what you want to achieve at the end of the conversation and ask your teen to do the same. Remember that negotiating a curfew means giving both sides some input, so make sure you and your teen understand each other̵7;s goals before even beginning to discuss times and criteria. A common goal for parents is a sense of security. Having a teen home before 10 p.m., for example, might alleviate a mom̵7;s concerns that her teen is in trouble, allowing her to sleep easily. Teenagers, on the other hand, tend to want more freedom or the ability to hang out with their friends longer. State your respective goals clearly so that you have a starting point.

    • 2

      Allow for the discussion of feelings. Start sentences with ̶0;I feel̶1; and encourage your teen to do the same. This allows you to express your opinions and not be contradicted, more fully fleshing out each side̵7;s main concerns. A teen can argue with a statement such as ̶0;It̵7;s not safe to be out past 10,̶1; but he can̵7;t argue with ̶0;I feel anxious when you don̵7;t come home by 10.̶1;

    • 3

      Discuss ways in which both sides can be satisfied. Offer curfews that can satisfy both sides and talk through them. Use your respective goals as evaluation criteria. For example, if your teen̵7;s goal might be to have more time to hang out with friends, and he̵7;s arguing against a 10 p.m. curfew for this reason, consider offering more opportunities to hang out with her friends, such as by moving a weekend home obligation from Saturday afternoon to Sunday morning. In this way, he gains more time with her friends, satisfying his goal without compromising yours.

    • 4

      Review the conversation. Solidify the reasoning behind the final curfew from both perspectives. Confirm you̵7;ve agreed on the curfew and discuss the consequences of breaking it.

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