How Do I Deal With My Teenage Daughter?

Cultivate your relationship when tensions are at their low ebb. Christian writer Josh McDowell has written, "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." It's very important to establish a rapport with your children prior to their teen years. Even if that has not been accomplished, it is not too late. Teenagers must be reminded that their parents have their best interests at heart and that this forms the basis for the rules.

Sow vision into the heart of your teen daughter. Share with your daughter the vision - or desired future reality - that you have for her. Explain to her that getting from point "A" to point "B" in life requires some self-control. For example, if your vision for her includes that she grow up healthy, complete college, marry and have a home and family of her own, share that with her. Then explain how certain choices will either enhance or detract from the possibility that this will occur. It's one thing to be told "No." It's another for a person to say "No" herself because she has a vision that motivates and constrains her.

Help your daughter understand that as a teen she can make adult-sized decisions but cannot handle adult-sized consequences. It may be one thing for a grown woman with a job to become pregnant unexpectedly. It's a completely other thing for this to happen to a teenage girl with no college education, job skills or work experience. Remind her that you want to treat her as an adult, but that you must also guide her in light of this reality.

Retain your role as parent. Parents of teenagers often invest too much time and effort into becoming their children's buddies. Teens do not need another set of friends, but they always need parents. Accept that there will be times when you must stand your ground on limiting freedoms for following through disciplinary action. It's natural for your daughter not to like you and to react with complaints. Remind yourself that for a parent, being respected is more important than being liked.

Discuss with your teenage daughter the changes taking place in her body and emotions due to the onset of menstruation. This will help her cope with the mood swings, physical changes and discomfort that she is experiencing. Help her track her cycle, and exhibit extra patience during this time.

Simplify, clarify and display the family rules. There are few things more frustrating for a teen, or even an adult for that matter, than to be held to and disciplined in accordance with a non-existent, ever-changing or ethereal set of standards. Think about what values you hold dear in your family. Type a list of five or so "commandments" for the family and post them on the refrigerator. These might include rules such as: "We will always show respect when speaking to other family members," and "Chores must be done before free time will begin." This is simple, but it keeps things in perspective.

Administer discipline in a timely and consistent manner. Teens are very likely to test their boundaries. They will lose respect for parents who make promises of retribution but never follow through.

Apologize when you overreact or otherwise make mistakes in your parenting. Teens will appreciate a good example as well as an honest one.

Set the proper example for you daughter. If a father expects his daughter to use a respectful tone when speaking to him, he must use a respectful tone when speaking to her. If a mother expects her teenage daughter to behave in a conservative manner sexually, the mother must not behave promiscuously.

Talk to your daughter about photo-altering software programs. Teens, especially teenage girls, often struggle with their body images. Explain that the beauties they see on the magazine covers are more often than not digitally altered creations. Encourage your daughter regarding her body image and remind her that nearly every person would change something about her own body if she could.