How to Mother Your Step Kids Without Crossing the Line
When you marry a man who has children, you have a built-in family without the benefit of a nine-month pregnancy to adjust to becoming a parent. In addition, the kids are probably not infants that you can influence as they grow and develop. They have grown up with the influence of their biological parents and may have experienced values, rules and expectations that are different from yours. Take your time to develop a relationship with your step kids that promotes mutual affection and respect.
Instructions
Getting Started
Take time to get to know your step kids in everyday situations. Build a relationship with them before moving into their lives. Relationships take time to develop. You can̵7;t expect to love them at first sight nor can you expect them to love you right away. Speak with kindness and respect about their biological mother. Keep any personal conflicts about her to yourself. She is their mother and they will always have a strong bond with her. Your presence is a reminder of the changes in their lives, which may lead to resentment of you. Arrange time for your step kids to spend with their biological mother, if possible. Speak with her regularly about the kids, so she remains a vital part of their lives. Let your step kids help choose what to call you. Some children will not want to call you Mom, especially if their biological mother is still in their lives. Decide together whether they will call you by your first name or another designation to distinguish you from their biological mother. Discipline
Communicate with your spouse about rules and discipline to avoid future conflicts. Discuss and negotiate rules, and make plans to back each other up. Present a united front with your spouse when disciplining the children. Have a plan, and stick to it. Allow your spouse to be the primary disciplinarian as much as possible. Have regular family meetings to iron out issues that come up so they don't fester and become insurmountable. School Issues
Take an active role in your stepchild̵7;s schooling, especially if your husband is the custodial parent, but defer to your child̵7;s biological parents on decision̵7;s concerning his education. Establish homework guidelines with your spouse and stand together on your expectations. Attend parent conferences with your spouse, but ensure that your stepchild̵7;s biological mother is included in the meetings. If she is unable to attend, ask the teacher to provide notes on the conference for the mother. Provide copies of notices concerning school and classroom activities to your stepchild̵7;s biological mother. Many teachers provide information concerning the class through email. Be sure the biological mother receives the same emails that you do. Holidays
Acknowledge and respect the established family traditions for holidays. Take time to discuss these with your husband and stepchildren in advance. Adhere to the expectations of the children, as much as possible, to reduce any animosity or frustration. Add in some of your traditions to the children̵7;s previously established ones. Allowing them to be a part of the planning will reduce stress for all of you. Adjust your schedule at holidays to allow the children to enjoy time with their mother. For example, give them time with their mother on Christmas morning and pick them up later in the day for your family celebration.
