Fostering a Sense of Self in Children

Infants and Toddlers

• When a baby cries due to hunger or discomfort and someone tends to his needs, he begins to understand he has the power to change his environment, according to "The Mother's Almanac" authors Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons. He experiences hunger pangs, he cries, his caregiver feeds him and his hunger dissipates. As he continues to experience his power to cause change, he develops self-agency. A baby at 6 months of age who drops a toy on the floor is learning if he clutches his fingers around the toy, it remains in his hand. If he opens his fingers, the toy drops. And if he cries, his caregiver picks up the toy and hands it back to him. He also begins to have an understanding of body ownership.

Body Ownership

• According to Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, a certified sexuality educator, professor and author, writing on the "Psychology Today" website, babies benefit from being allowed to decide who gets to hold them and who doesn't. Babies "have good intuition about what feels good and right and what (and who) doesn̵7;t," and parents should protect them from unwanted, uncomfortable touch by not passing them around the room but, instead, allowing the baby to make clear through expressions and gestures when he is ready to be held by someone other than his parents. Older children, too, should be respected and not expected to kiss or hug someone if they aren't comfortable.

Self-Agency

• Self-agency is fostered by helping children develop capabilities, according to "The Mother's Almanac." Children can work with wood, help paint or plaster a wall and even build a small brick wall in the garden ̵2; ̶0;one of the biggest ego builders your child will ever know." Cooking is also an ego-booster, especially when parents proudly announce their 4-year-old prepared the meal, which might mean he cracked an egg and stirred it into the mix. By the time children are 10 or 11, they should be able to prepare simple meals like scrambled eggs and toast. When they know they can take ingredients and make them into an edible dish, they are developing self-agency.

Self-Esteem

• Child and family counselor Kathy Eugster, writing on her own website, says children need to feel accepted and valued by their parents to develop "a positive internal sense of self (positive self-esteem) with a core belief for the child that 'I̵7;m okay' rather than 'I̵7;m not okay.' " Eugster offers suggestions for how parents can foster positive self-esteem through acceptance. They can watch and listen to their children to understand them; they can think about events and situations from their children's perspective; they can respond in a nonjudgmental way to show they are listening and trying to understand. She says by accepting children's negative feelings, parents help reduce their impact.