What to Do When a Stepchild Has No Respect for You

Set Expectations

• Finding a balance when parenting a stepchild takes some time. Initially, you might try to keep the peace by not setting boundaries, but this can allow your stepchild to think that she can get away with unacceptable behavior. Establishing a set of rules and consequences with your spouse for everyone in your household makes it clear to everybody what you both expect from them, notes James Lehman, M.S.W. in an article for Empowering Parents. If your stepchild already shows disrespect, focus on her behaviors when creating the rules. For example, if she calls you names, specify that name-calling is not allowed and that everyone in the family should adhere to that rule.

Stay United

• Unless your stepchild is very young, you should probably let your stepchild's biological parents discipline him. While every situation is different, disciplining your non-biological children is often difficult because it's likely to create resentment on the part of your spouse, notes Dr. Phil McGraw. However, even though you don't directly enforce the consequence for your stepchild's disrespect, you should show support of your spouse's disciplinary actions. A united approach with your spouse is more effective than sending conflicting messages to your stepchild. If you don't agree with the way your spouse handles a situation when your stepchild is disrespectful, talk to her alone instead of disagreeing in front of the child. Both of you need to follow through with enforcing the family rules and consequences so your stepchild learns that he can't get away with disrespectful behavior and the other children in your household understand that everyone must comply with the rules.

Spend Time Together

• The last thing you likely want to do is spend time with a disrespectful stepchild, but making that effort can help you eventually forge a workable relationship. Avoiding her sends her the message that you don't want to try or don't care about her, likely fueling the disrespectful behavior she shows you. Family time is often as simple as eating dinner together, watching a movie or playing a board game. Creating new traditions as a blended family can also help build a relationship with your stepchild. For example, take the whole family out for ice cream the night before the kids go back to school in the fall.

Encourage Communication

• Keep in mind that the disrespect your stepchild shows might mask something else that's bothering her about the family situation. Perhaps she resents sharing her father with you or misses living with her other biological mother. Instead of simply taking offense to your stepchild's disrespectful behavior, encourage her to rephrase herself in a more positive way. If she tells you that you're not her mother so you can't tell her what to do, she might really be struggling with the shared custody. Understanding why she is acting in a disrespectful way can help you better address the situation. Encouraging her to say what she's thinking also helps her learn to express herself in a healthy way. Whatever the reason for her disrespect, try to respond positively, letting her know that you understand that adjusting to a new, blended family is difficult. Remember that every child is different -- and that age and gender are both factors when it comes to accepting a stepparent. Adolescents, ages 10 to14, often find it more difficult to adjust to a new blended family than younger or older children, notes HelpGuide.org. Take your cues from your stepchild as you try to establish a healthy, respectful relationship with her. Let her determine the pace at which you proceed, but always keep communication open.