How to Avoid Power Struggles with a Child
Whenever your child pulls you into a power struggle, you've already lost the battle. The more you and your child go head to head, the less she̵7;ll see you as an authority figure and the more she̵7;ll see you as opposition to defeat. According to Jan Faull, child development and behavior specialist, power struggles don̵7;t resolve anything, and only serve to cause a rift in the relationship between you and your child. By learning to avoid power struggles with your child, you can eventually win the war, as well as your child̵7;s cooperation.
Instructions
Learn to accept that all children are going to at least occasionally argue and try to get their way. Marie Hartwell-Walker, a psychologist specializing in family therapy and parent education, explains that part of growing up is learning to be independent. It's only a problem when children win power struggles so often that they become power-hungry and seek to control every situation. Choose your battles so you don̵7;t make everything a power struggle. Let her pick the blue and orange spaceship bed sheets that she loves̵2;don̵7;t worry if they clash with her bubblegum pink room; you can always throw a bedspread over it when company is coming. Allowing her to make some choices shows her you̵7;re reasonable and you respect her right to an opinion. Give warnings and reminders. Instead of telling her she has to come in right now, say, "You can play with your friends for 15 more minutes, then we have to go." This allows you to gently encourage and guide your child toward making responsible choices. Explain why you have to say "no." Show your child that you have rational reasons, such as, ̶0;I know you̵7;re having fun, but we have to get that book for your homework before the library closes.̶1; This shows the child your decision isn̵7;t about you trying to be bossy, but about responsibilities. Acknowledge your child̵7;s feelings, notes Dr. Martha Erickson, director of the Center for Early Childhood Education at the University of Minnesota. You might diffuse the situation by saying, ̶0;I understand you want to stay with your friends because you̵7;re having fun, but if you don̵7;t get the book you̵7;ll be marked unprepared.̶1; This shows her that her feelings matter to you, even if she doesn̵7;t get her way. Offer options to show your child you̵7;re trying to work with her, not just pulling rank. Instead of saying ̶0;Get in the car, now!̶1; -- which only re-enforces in your child's mind the importance of power -- say something like, ̶0;If your friends are out when we get back I̵7;ll let you play a little longer, or if you like you can invite them over tomorrow.̶1; Keep your cool when your child isn't cooperating. When your child gets a rise out of you by making you angry or upset, you've rewarded her with power over you. At that point it turns into a power struggle. Emotional arguments are a tug-of-war for control. You don't want to be seen as a formidable foe fighting her for power; you want to be an authority figure who is presenting her with the options in a fair and rational way. Put your foot down when necessary. Calmly explain your expectations, request your child's cooperation and clarify the consequences for not cooperating, recommends Familyeducation.com. This gives her the power of choice: ̶0;We need to get into the car and leave now; if you don̵7;t cooperate, you̵7;ll be grounded this weekend for missing a homework assignment, and you won̵7;t get to see your friends at all.̶1; Refuse to argue with her any further. Once you've laid out the options, don̵7;t stand there begging and arguing. Walk away calmly and let her face the consequences for her actions. It̵7;s important to follow up so that she can learn from her mistakes.
