How to Resolve Play Conflicts Between Kids
When children play together, squabbles are inevitable. How serious these conflicts become depends on how the supervising adults handle the situations, as well as on what the kids have learned in the past about problem-solving. Although most kids seem to recover quickly from these disputes, it can be distressing for parents and teachers to witness. Help kids develop their social skills to help them interact with their peers more constructively.
Instructions
Help children identify their emotions so they can learn to control them. Karen Stephens, director of Illinois State University Child Care Center, advises on "Parenting Exchange" that children must also learn to understand the emotions of others in order to become socially-responsible adults. Act as police officer and call a halt to the conflict. Acting as judge and jury, make a unilateral decision and order an end to the conflict by deciding who gets the disputed toy or by refusing to allow them to continue to play together. Be aware that, although this method is usually immediately effective, in the long run, your kids won't learn to improve their conflict-resolution skills. Listen to each child tell his side of the story. Ask probing questions, such as "How have you tried to solve the problem," Why didn't that work" and "What else can you try now that might work?" Encourage him to think about the situation and generate some creative solutions. Teach him how to evaluate the advantages and disadvantages of the various proposed solutions. Recognize that tempers usually flare when children feel they're unfairly blamed. Try to remain impartial and help them discover for themselves who instigated the dispute. Talk quietly to them to help calm them down. Help each child see the other's point of view. Ask questions such as, "How would you feel if he did that to you?" Questions that probe the feelings of the other child, such as "Why do you think he said that" and "What was he feeling when he said that" help foster empathy. Encourage the kids to make "I statements" that express their feelings and shift the focus away from blaming each other. For example, teach them both that saying, "He started it!" doesn't help resolve the problem. Saying instead "I felt mad when he wouldn't give me a turn" helps kids identify their own emotions and leads to increased understanding and more productive solutions than the blame game. Set a good example and be a role model for your kids. Model the desired way to respond even when you are upset, and discuss distressing situations with your children at every opportunity. For example, if she sees how you talk with a store manager when returning a defective product, debrief with her later and ask her to imagine how the manager might have responded if you had walked in shouting and name-calling. Focus on the positive. Express confidence in the kids' ability to resolve their own conflicts. Try saying "I know you can work this out." But don't hesitate to pull rank and give an ultimatum when necessary. For example, tell them "If you're still arguing when I come back here in five minutes, I'm putting this game away." Follow through if they don't resolve the issue. Arrange regular opportunities for your child to have play dates at your home so you can closely supervise and intervene when necessary. Talk to your child's teacher to determine whether your child has conflicts with classmates and how the school handles the situation so you can provide a consistent approach.
