• Babies
• Building a Family
• Children
• General Parenting
• Newborns
• Teenagers
• Toddlers
• Pregnancy

Listen, Look for the Message, and Determine Your Child's Needs

Why is your child misbehaving?

Listen, Look for the Message, and Determine Your Child's Needs

Element number 10 of the 12 Disciplinary Elements is to understand misbehavior. Take it from the experts, there's a reason for every misbehavior, and when you figure out the reason, you're more than halfway home to stopping it. Fine. So why is your child misbehaving?

Gathering Information Through Proactive Listening

Take your good-but-misbehaving kid aside, take a deep breath, and listen to his side of the story. You want to hear about what was happening when the incident occurred, what happened before and after, and how he feels about it.

Listening effectively—especially when you've been upset by disturbing news—is very difficult. Kids are often the opposite of clear (they often don't understand their actions, themselves). Listening takes practice, and most of us don't have much experience. Don't expect perfection the first time you try it. Practice, and determination, are the key.

Here's a “guided” listening technique called proactive listening, developed by communications expert William Sonnenschein. It takes active listening one step further, and it's most useful when there's specific information (like why Tommy cut off all of his sister's hair) that you need to elicit.

In active listening, you, the listener, are in a passive role. In proactive listening, you, the listener, guide the course of the conversation through asking pertinent, probing questions. Remember, though, it's still a listening (rather than a talking) technique, which means it's your job to hear what your child says, not to control the content. Here are some reasons to try proactive listening:

• To get and keep the conversation on track. You're on the hunt for information, and your child may not know what's important to say. As an effective proactive listener (silent and stealthy) you can gently steer the conversation over to the important subjects.

• To delve deeper into the depths of detail. Your child may be glossing over important facts because he doesn't know what you need to hear. Or he might be trying to hide information (the little scamp!). By asking the right questions, you can cut through to the deep details.
• To help your kid express himself. By directing him with your questions, you hear what he is trying to communicate and he (bonus points!) may begin to better understand his own thoughts and feelings about the incident.

Ready? Here's how:

• Ask an open-ended question. The best proactive listening questions can't be easily answered with a simple yes or no. Say, for instance that you're trying to understand why Tommy chopped Belinda's hair off at the roots. You might ask, “What were you feeling before you cut Belinda's hair?”
• Don't react to the answer! Say Tommy says, “I was really happy because I wanted to get back at her and I knew this would make her cry.” Don't stop the “exercise” to make judgments or criticize—you'll have lots of time for that later. It won't help for you to scream, “You were happy to make her cry? You insensitive little—” Listen quietly. Allow time for the child to fully finish.
• Get more information. As you listen, find a cue to an area you feel needs to be explored, and ask another question about what has been said. “What did you want to get back at her for?” Now you're getting some information. (Hey, this isn't the end of it, you can't let Tommy just go back to chopping hair—but that's the only part we're dealing with here—the information-gathering aspect.

Look at family dynamics

Proactive listening is one way of figuring out what is going on with your child. Another way is to look at your family dynamics. What has been happening between you and your child? Between your child and the rest of the family? Between you and your partner and other family members? Family tensions frequently manifest in misbehavior. (It's become almost a cliché for teachers to ask parents, “Is there anything happening at home?” whenever a child misbehaves. It's a cliché based on reality, though.)

Look for the Message Behind the Action

As you seek to understand your child, it's important to look a little deeper, at your child's underlying motivations. As you go through the process of responding to misbehavior, think about the incident and what it might mean to and about your child. Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs developed an important theory of child development based on his belief that a child who is misbehaving is discouraged, and believes both that he lacks significance and that he doesn't truly belong. Of course, this may be the child's perception, but hey, it's the perception that matters.

The Four Mistaken Goals of Misbehavior

Jane Nelson, author of many wonderful books on positive discipline, has taken Dreikurs's discovery that a child's misbehavior is based on one of four mistaken goals: undue attention, power, revenge, and giving up, and created a powerful tool for responding effectively. Nelson writes that all misbehavior is a child's method of saying, “I am a child, and I want to belong.”

Here's an adapted version of Jane Nelson's tool for understanding and responding to misbehavior. As you look carefully at your child's misbehavior, apply it to the categories below to figure out which “goal” your child is trying to achieve.

Behave Yourself!

Ever catch yourself growling, “Do you need a spanking, young man?” If so, consider what your kid might really need: attention? affection? independence? nurturing? limits? privacy? responsibility?

Child's Mistaken Goal: Undue Attention

If your child is acting out or bugging you for undue attention, she's saying, “Notice me! Involve me in your life!” The methods she's choosing, however, are more likely to make you feel annoyed, worried, and guilty. You may find yourself coaxing your child, or simply doing things for her that she can do herself.

The child seeking undue attention only believes she belongs and is important when she's being noticed, or getting special attention.

She needs to be noticed and involved. Help her by giving her assurance and immediate redirection. Give her useful tasks, tell her you love her but you're busy and set up a special time with her (and keep it!). Touch her without words to show her you love her but can't be distracted. Be firm.

Child's mistaken goal: power

The child seeking power is trying to say, “Let me help! Give me some choices!” If, however, anybody (including your child) is challenging you to a power struggle, you're gonna feel challenged, provoked, threatened, and possibly defeated. You may fight, find yourself thinking, “You won't get away with this one!”, want to make the child behave, or give in and feel cowed and powerless yourself. You'll probably react to the threat by wanting to be proven right.

The child seeking power believes he belongs only when he's in control. He's a kid on a mission: to prove that nobody can boss him around.

This child needs you to withdraw from head-to-head conflict, calm down, be the “adult,” let him help you with tasks, offer limited choices, and acknowledge that you can't control him (nor can he control you). This child needs limits set, and firmness around the limits—but do it kindly! Don't rise to the bait!

Child's Mistaken Goal: Revenge

A child seeking revenge is really trying to tell you, “I'm in pain! Help me, I'm hurting!” The child who has been hurt may try to retaliate or “get back” at you or others. You may feel disappointed, hurt, disbelieving, or even disgusted at the behavior. You may try to get back at the child—to retaliate yourself—or feel a loss of control and despair: “How could you do this to me?”

The child seeking revenge is hurting and doesn't believe she belongs, so she wants to make others feel like she does. She doesn't believe she is good, she doesn't believe anybody could like or love her. (She probably doesn't like or love herself.)

Your task: to avoid punishment and retaliation, to demonstrate understanding and empathy, to talk with your child about her hurt feelings, to apologize. Encourage her strengths. Allow her to voice her pain. Try not to take it personally.

It's a Good Idea!

At different times, the same kid might express different “mistaken goals of misbehavior.”

Child's Mistaken Goal: Giving Up

The child who gives up is saying, “Believe in me. Don't give up on me.” When a child gives up, quits, doesn't try, and moves passively through life, you may feel hopeless yourself, despairing, disappointed, and inadequate as a parent. You may react by doing everything for the child, expecting nothing, or expressing your disappointment.

The child whose mistaken goal is to give up doesn't believe he belongs, thinks he's hopeless and incapable, and does his best to convince everybody else of these “facts.”

You must show him your faith in him. Start small and take small steps. Show him how to do things. Encourage any effort. Encourage the progress. Be his ally, his champion, his cheerleader. Enjoy him and believe in him.

Many misbehaviors, many reasons

Your child's misbehavior may be spurred by her need to achieve one of the “four mistaken goals of misbehavior.” She might have other reasons as well:

• testing
• saving face
• seeking respect
• needing more independence
• avoiding unpleasant or scary tasks
• experiencing a moment of thoughtlessness or being unclear on how her actions affect others
• expressing a serious emotional problem

Whatever the reason, your job is to analyze the situation and try to deal with it in a positive, nonpunitive way. Remember, punishment is short term, and ultimately an ineffective way of dealing with misbehavior.

It's a Good Idea!

There's an old saying that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I've always said that so is the road to heaven.

Words to Parent By

Positive intent is the underlying positive meaning behind any action. It's a theory (developed by Don and Jeanne Elium) that assumes that people mean well and strive for the best.

Honor the Positive Intent

Parenting is truly tough; it calls on all your resources, and demands you to be the best, noblest, smartest person you can possibly be.

Your challenge is to try to understand your child and treat her as you would like to be treated at the same time as she's treating you worse than a hideous bug crawling on the floor. As she stomps and screams, your job is to model appropriate behavior. Part of your appropriate behavior may be to express how angry it makes you to be treated like an ugly bug, and to insist on better treatment.

How do you do this? If it were truly easy, you wouldn't be reading a book about it. One way to meet this steep challenge is to look for, and honor, the positive intent in your child.

Jane Nelson and Rudolf Dreikurs assume there is always a message of need behind a child's misbehavior. Jeanne Elium and Don Elium, authors of Raising a Son, Raising a Daughter, and Raising a Family, go even further. They teach parents that kids always have a positive intent—an underlying positive meaning—even when they are misbehaving. Finding the positive intent within negative behavior can help you with your own frustration level, and help you feel friendlier toward your child.

Here's an example of positive intent:

Maya was way too old to be throwing food on the floor. She was almost five. Yet, when she didn't like something, or when she was finished with her dinner, she grabbed handfuls of spaghetti, rice, or beef Wellington and flung it on the linoleum. That's not okay. What was the positive intent here? Actually, Maya was feeling more grown-up than her parents were giving her credit for. She wanted more control over her life—and her mealtimes. She also wanted more limits. (Strange as it may seem, wanting more independence and more limits often go together.) When Maya's parents realized her positive intent, insisted she clean up after her own mess, and taught her how to wash dishes, the misbehavior stopped immediately.

Here's another example of positive intent:

Jenny was caught scrawling graffiti on the school wall. Her parents were scandalized—defacing property! Hanging with the wrong crowd! Yet, when they stopped to honor her positive intent (she wanted to express herself creatively, and she wanted to be accepted), they were able to channel her energy into something far more productive: community service, art classes, and a school mural project. Jenny thrived.

Behave Yourself!

Tough! Enough of this “understanding” crap! Some behavior is simply unacceptable, you feel. Hey, you'll get no argument from me! Understanding misbehavior doesn't mean allowing it, condoning it, apologizing for it, or standing for it. When you've reached your limit, you've reached your limit. Some behavior is just not acceptable, and you can assert as much.

It's a Good Idea!

You set the rules, they test 'em. It's a natural and necessary part of establishing individuality and independence.

Determine Your Own Needs

Okay, with me so far? Your kid has misbehaved but you haven't flipped out yet. You've cooled down and decided she's not evil, she's just misbehaving. You've listened to and elicited your child's story, you've determined her needs and intent. Now what?

Well, where's the you in here? You're not perfect, you're not a saint, you're not selfless—you have needs, too. Yes, you do! The more you understand your own intents, needs, and values, the better you'll feel about your parenting—in times of good behavior and bad.