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What Parents Must Teach Their Children

Your disciplining style

What Parents Must Teach Their Children

When children are very young, the role of teacher can be most frustrating. Getting a child to sit still long enough for a reasoned lecture or lesson is almost impossible—especially when the child is only newly acquainted with language and the subject of the lesson involves the word “no”! Spanking gets your child's attention—but only for about two seconds. Your earliest task as a parent is to decide upon, and enforce, the limits your child needs in order to live well and safely.

The Necessity of Limits

The roles of mother and child can be compared to those of teacher and disciple. Your job as a mom is to guide your child toward finding a true sense of self. You create a secure sense of structure for your child by educating him or her about your own beliefs and values, but it is a wise parent who also teaches children to think on their own. This has to be done in stages, of course. You do not want an overly empowered little tyrant running your household.

And that, of course, is the challenge facing any parent, and especially moms: You want to maintain authority in your home while giving your child the knowledge and self-confidence to ultimately make wise decisions on his or her own behalf.

Teaching Right from Wrong

One of the things we are entrusted to teach our children is the difference between right and wrong. Some people believe a strong religious foundation will do this for you. For many people religion is the key to moral education. In addition to whatever structure you may provide through religion, I believe you teach right from wrong through example.

A Couple of Cautionary Tales

A generation ago, parents relied on physical punishment to maintain discipline in their children. Today we understand that this approach is not particularly effective. It doesn't provide the child with any understanding of why his behavior is wrong—all it teaches him is not to get caught. And it can seriously backfire. My mom learned both these lessons the hard way.

Womanly Wisdom

There's a difference between giving your child freedom and allowing irresponsible license. The first encourages creativity and self-expression; the second can turn your child into a real little terror.

Mom Alert!

Sometimes even the most anti-spanking mom is tempted to administer a little seat-of-the-pants justice. But it can be dangerous, especially for toddlers. It's too easy to miss your mark (the diaper-padded bottom), and even a seemingly light spank that lands in the wrong place can cause injury to your little one's kidneys.

My brother was a terrible hellion when we were little—a fact I used to my own nefarious advantage lots of times. It was easy for me to make sure my brother got the blame, since he was the one with the bad reputation. For example, when we'd go for a drive with my mom, my brother and I would sit in the back seat. A favorite amusement of mine was to give him a good smack and then scream, “Larry, stop hitting me.” Of course, my mother immediately assumed I was the innocent party, so she'd reach back to swat in Larry's general direction to make him stop hitting me.

One day, my mom took my brother and me to visit my Grandmother. There was never much kid stuff to do at Grandma's so we would spend a lot of time torturing each other. When our misbehavior finally got to be too much, Mom lost her patience and told my brother in no uncertain terms to behave himself. He answered back and ran off—something that simply wasn't tolerated in those days. So Mom had to chase him, because disrespect could not go unpunished. Unfortunately, when she swatted at his retreating hind end, she missed her mark and slammed her hand into a plaster wall, breaking one of her fingers. Definitely not the outcome she was going for.

It is good that the emphasis has shifted away from raising children to fear their parents. As a discipline tool, corporal punishment was most effective in ensuring the need for psychotherapists as children grew up trying to reconcile love and rejection. And by inflicting physical pain we undo all our efforts to teach our children self-control and confidence. Physical punishment breaks the spirit or sets the stage for rebellion later on.

Setting a good example

How's Your Example?

Because punishment is such an ineffective and inefficient teaching tool, you want to develop something better suited to accomplishing your child-rearing goals. Teaching by example is a far more effective approach. But it's not easy: You have to put your own behavior under close scrutiny to make certain that you're setting the proper example for your child. Here's why:

• It is very difficult to teach a child not to be prejudiced if you make derogatory comments about all types of people who are different from you.
• It is difficult to teach a child not to be a snob if you talk about other people as being inferior.
• It is difficult to teach children to tell the truth if you show them how easy it is to tell so-called “white lies,” like the time you said you didn't want to go to your aunt's because you had the Tasmanian flu.

Children are like little scientists—and you're the principle specimen under their microscope. They will model their conduct after yours in many significant ways. They are very impressionable, and they will accept the reality they are shown until they are old enough to form judgments of their own.

If you want your child to reflect your ethical standards, then look at yourself to see whether you are setting a good example. This does not mean that you need to be perfect, it just means that you need to be a responsible adult who lives the kind of life you expect your child to live. Children are highly sensitive to hypocrisy—they'll spot it immediately if you say one thing and do another.

Having the “Big Talks” with Your Child

When your kids are small, your disciplinary problems will be of the garden-variety type: Teaching them to show respect for others, helping them learn the value of cooperation, encouraging them to do their schoolwork on time. As they get older, however, the moral and ethical choices they face become more complex, and more difficult for you, as a mom, to handle. The two most daunting areas of concern are sex and drugs.

But if you haven't built up a regular habit of talking openly to your children, you're going to run into trouble when it's time to have the big Sex Talk or Drug Talk and have it taken seriously. You need to talk to your children as much as possible about the trivial, the mundane, the weather—whatever is currently on their minds. Your communication with your child needs to be nurtured all the time.

And that nurturing will pay off in major dividends when you find it necessary to deal with the big issues. If you can consciously listen to them enough of the time so you know what is on their minds and so they feel connected to you, you're teaching them that when they really need you they can come and talk to you.

Keeping the lines of communication open doesn't need to be difficult. All it takes is a willingness to be receptive to their interests. They've almost always got something to share.

Talking about sex

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

I had helped my daughter with a report on global warming for her science class. That afternoon her younger brother pulled me aside and said, “Mom, I need to have a private conversation with you.” I had no idea what to expect. He then said, “I want you to tell me all about global warming. Winter is my favorite season and I don't want it to go away.” It cracked me up that he was spending so much time thinking about the subject, and I had a great conversation with him.

Womanly Wisdom

Schedule a talk with your daughter about menstruation well before she hits puberty. The age that girls start their periods has been trending younger and younger, and you want her to be informed before she actually begins menstruating.

The “Birds and the Bees” Discussion, Modern Style

Talking about sex to children used to be even more embarrassing than it is today, so it was put off as long as possible. But that secrecy often caused needless confusion and worry. It certainly did for me.

When I was about nine, I saw a sanitary napkin in my mother's bathroom and asked her about it. She blushed and told me she would tell me when I was 10 years old. It seems that Mom was saving up a lot of things to tell me when I turned 10: That was her standard answer whenever I asked a certain kind of awkward question. I even wrote a poem at the time about all the secrets I would learn at that magic age.

Well I fooled her. Shortly after our nondiscussion about that napkin, I was at a girlfriend's house and didn't feel so well. I went to the bathroom and there was blood on my underpants. I panicked and thought that somehow I had cut myself and must be dying.

When I got home I kept it a secret as long as I could, but finally I got scared enough to tell my mother that I needed to go to the hospital. She started to cry and hugged me (well, she smacked me first because of some crazy cultural thing from her Russian heritage—I never did figure out what that was all about). Needless to say I was confused. She got out this little pink book put out by Modess and read it with me. It explained about the menstrual cycle and all the things that were now happening to my body. Then she took me to the pharmacy to buy my own napkins and even got me some perfume so I could feel like a real woman.

Sex and the Modern Child

My mom could maintain her delicacy about the topic of sex because it was easier then to insulate children from sexual knowledge. The movies, TV, and advertisements were far less explicit than they are today. If you wait as long as my mom did before talking about sex to your children, you may find that they already know more about the subject than you do. But they'll know about sex without understanding your own values on the subject. So it's best to talk openly about it early on. The sex talk then can be seen as a series of minilectures, each one progressively more detailed. Here's the general sequence of events:

Momma Said There'd Be Days Like This

One woman really took her responsibility to treat the sex talk seriously. She was ready when her daughter got around to asking the dreaded question, “Where did I come from?” She'd even put together a cute little poster with illustrations of happy little bowtie-wearing sperm and eggs with pink ribbons. After she presented her masterful speech on the subject she asked if her daughter had any further questions. “Yes, Mom,” said the long-suffering little five year old. “Susie next door comes from Montana—where did I come from?”

• Your child will begin showing signs of curiosity as early as age five, when the customary question seems to be “Where do babies come from?” Most of us don't find this too difficult—at this age children are happy with a wonderful explanation of eggs and seeds.

• When your child is a little older he or she will probably ask for more details. That's when you can give a fairly simple explanation of how the mommy and daddy make a baby, and it's a good time to introduce a daughter to the concept of menstruation. You're probably best off keeping it simple at this time—she's probably not ready to be anything but grossed out by the idea of blood.
• When you're expecting a new baby, don't be surprised if your child shows another flurry of interest in the subject of sex. Since more details are probably required, you might be most comfortable renting an animated video that explains sex at a level a child can understand. These videos can be very useful, particularly if you're not sure how to raise the issue or need a little help getting over your own embarrassment about the topic.

Dealing with Your Own Hang-ups About Sex

Talking about sex is not easy because we all have our own issues with it. But no matter how uncomfortable you may be about having these sex talks, you want your children to know about it in the context of your own beliefs and values. Children today are constantly exposed to words and images about sex, from the advertisements on TV to sexually explicit music lyrics. It is confusing for them and frustrating for parents who are trying to instill a healthy attitude about the subject. And, adding urgency to our need to have these talks, today we face the fear that what they don't know can harm and even kill them.

Keeping the sex talk comfortable

Setting the Tone

When you talk to your children about sex, it's best to keep the conversation matter-of-fact. It's never a good idea to try to make it sound like something dirty or horrible: This will not prevent them from experimenting, it'll only to make them need therapy later in life.

Sexual curiosity is natural as early as in the womb. But if your child is made to think that the desires he feels after puberty and into adolescence are inherently bad, he can become very confused and begin to condemn himself for having them. By giving your child the best information and by opening the communication early, you will provide an atmosphere in which your child is more likely to make wise and appropriate decisions.

Mom Alert!

If you have strong views about the way the discussion of sex should be presented to your child, do make a point of watching any sex-ed videos alone first—that way you'll know just what your child is getting into. And, of course, sit with your child while the video is running, so you can clarify anything that seems to be confusing.

Womanly Wisdom

Open your discussions of sex early in your child's life: Don't wait until he's already got more information than you do about the subject. In this generation, that means you should probably get started by the time your child is age five.

Mind Your Audience

When you talk about sex, make certain that the information you're giving is appropriate to the age of your child. Younger children are mostly curious about the mechanics of the act—although it's appropriate to stress the importance of love and commitment as an integral part of sex. When you're talking to a child who's approaching puberty, you want to make the linkage between feelings and responsibility more explicit: Reinforce that the feelings are very real but make it clear that acting on them has certain real consequences.

The Dangers of Delaying the Discussion

No matter how uncomfortable you may be with talking about sex, by the time your child hits the preteen years you'd better have at least begun dealing with the subject. By that time your child will certainly be learning about it from other children, from the media, and even (very possibly) from the Internet. These sources may be presenting sexual information from very distorted perspectives, and you want your own values clearly on the record so your child develops a healthy attitude about his or her own sexuality.

As with anything else you want to teach your child, it's up to you to set the parameters. This subject is too important, and the consequences of ignorance too serious, to simply hope your child can learn what he or she needs to know from school or from peers. There are fewer societal structures than ever before. While greater tolerance for people's choices is a good thing, the lack of clear rules gives your child many more choices than you could have imagined. Preteens and teenagers are getting pregnant and are contracting sexually transmitted diseases in record numbers.

Promise to Be There for Them, No Matter What

You are not going to be able to inoculate your children against bad or early sexual experiences as you were able to inoculate them against the mumps. But open communication on the subject is your best defense against your child's making the wrong choices. Talk to your children and make it easy for them to talk to you—they're going to need to know they can turn to you for help.

Mom Alert!

Avoid using a judgmental tone when you're talking with your child about sex—it may send her the message of rejection that will keep her from turning to you if she really needs your help.

One of the best days of my life was the day my teenage daughter sat next to me and started to cry. She told me that a 13-year-old girl at a neighboring school had gotten pregnant. She said she couldn't understand how such a young girl could be so stupid as to start messing around with sex. It really shook her up. I was sorry that she was so upset but I felt thrilled that she felt comfortable telling me something so personal, and that some of the things I had told her over the years had truly reached her.

When you discuss this, and every other important issue, with your child, extend your respect for his thoughts and opinions. If you really listen to your child you will know what is on his mind and he will feel free to tell you when he is in trouble. If your child feels backed into a corner by your accusations, he'll never feel comfortable turning to you for answers when he's likely to need you the most.