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Change Limits as Your Child Grows

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Change Limits as Your Child Grows

Trees that bend do a lot better in storms than their more brittle, rigid cousins. Life, and parenting, are never predictable, and flexibility is one of the greatest strengths you can build in yourself. Firmness is not the same as rigidity. Don't enforce limits just because once upon a time you decided it was a limit—you may need to reevaluate, or provide exceptions in cases of need.

Behave Yourself!

Don't create arbitrary or unhelpful limits. Limits should be as logical as consequences.

It's a Good Idea!

Snake skin doesn't stretch, which is why snakes shed their skins as they grow. One day the old skin simply splits (rrrippp!!!), and the snake wriggles on out of it, wearing a clean, shiny new skin underneath. Sometimes parents and kids don't always realize a limit is too tight until it suddenly, and with force, splits open. Growing up isn't always smooth and ripple-free.

There's a Limit to Limits!

You can't raise a resourceful child if your limits are too tight. Limits are vital and needed. Too many limits, though, can make a child feel crunched and, well, limited. How will you know if you are being reasonable, or if the limits you are setting are too extreme? Easy. Watch your child's reactions:

• Resistance and grumbling are normal. No self-respecting child is going to let you know how much she craves limits.
• Continued outrage or full-scale rebellion over a limit are your clues that something else is going on—perhaps your limit is too stringent and unjust. It may not be age or developmentally appropriate anymore. Are the limits expanding as she grows? Or perhaps your reason for the limit, or the values behind it, haven't been communicated clearly enough. Are they explicit? Are the purposes of the limit clear?

Not Sure About a Limit?

Tales from the Parent Zone

Marissa doesn't understand why you won't let her walk home from school by herself. “I'm old enough. You don't trust me! You never let me be independent! You're punishing me for growing up!” she cries, and ditches her escorts. Marissa doesn't understand that you do value her independence and respect her growth—you've imposed the limit because you are worried about the safety of your neighborhood. Perhaps you can demonstrate your trust and respect by loosening the limits in other areas—and having a heart-to-heart with Marissa about your concerns.

Is it time to expand the limit? How can you be sure?

• Keep evaluating your child, keep looking at who your child is this month, keep on talking.
• Ask your child what limits would feel appropriate. After you get past the initial part of the conversation (“No limits, Dad!”), you'll probably get a few ideas. If your child takes part in the limit-setting, he's more likely to live comfortably within their boundaries. (Kinda like the difference between your building a fence around your property for privacy, and somebody else fencing you in.)
• Check out Junior's friends' limits. Let's get clear, here, “Everybody else gets to,” is not a reason to let Junior do something. Find out though—it's purely informational. You'll discover what other parents consider developmentally appropriate, and why Junior may be pushing for a change.
• Do your research. Hit the library and go get overwhelmed by the sheer number of parenting books. You'll discover some vital information from child development experts. You'll also learn that everybody has an opinion, that most opinions are a matter of opinion, and that you can trust your own opinion.
• Talk with your child's teacher. She's one of your parenting partners. She's involved in your child's life, and she'll see your child from a completely different perspective than you do. Involved parents are the number-one factor for how well a child will do in school. Don't wait until conference time or until the principal's office calls—get involved! Call for a conference today!

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The Limit Changing Test

It's a Good Idea!

Some limits are short term. Andy's having trouble staying dry at night, and, at age seven, his bed-wetting is becoming an issue for him. An effective short-term limit might be to limit how much water he can drink at night.

Before you do change your mind on a limit, put it through the “Limit Changing” test, a very simple, two-part exam that will tell you whether you can change a limit—or not.

There are two areas where limits are nonnegotiable:

• Is it a question of safety?
• Is it a question of values?

“One, Two, One, Two, Flex and Stretch”

Here's a sentence that should rarely come out of your mouth: “Well, maybe just this time.” Limits should change for reasons, not because your child has worn you down. Sometimes a limit needs to be breached, once, because of an emergency situation (Grandpa had a heart attack, we're racing to the hospital, and no, you don't need to finish your homework or clean your room.).

Expand-a-Limit!

As your child grows, you can help her build her internal resources, learn self-control, and “internalize” the discipline she is learning by allowing more lenient limits, letting her try new things, and giving her more responsibility. The little child who can step onto the porch without supervision, but no further, now is going to slumber parties and meeting her friends at the movies.

Here's the thing: The fewer limits you present, the closer you need to watch your child. Keep checking in. This is not a time for you to slack off on your paying attention. As a child learns responsibility and safety, she still needs your help defining her own limits, her values, and her ethics. And, of course, when it comes to safety or your family's values, keep those limits firm and explicit!

Reinstating a Limit

Two steps forward and one step back. Progress, learning, and growth do not proceed at a steady pace, and backsliding is common. Sometimes you'll change a limit to include more privileges and responsibilities, just to learn that your child really isn't ready for that big a step. Okay, back up. But be careful not to make your child feel punished, or that she has failed. This would be a good time to have a problem-solving/brainstorming session. A creative solution will give your child the limits and structure she needs without making her feel like a big, bad failure. Perhaps you need to establish a series of gently expanding limits, rather than trying for too much at once.