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The Mean Chicks Phenomenon

Dealing with mean girls

The "Mean Chicks" Phenomenon

Since the early 1980s, our country has seen a sharp rise in violence among boys that has not abated. While the nation's attention has been focused more on them—especially since the Columbine tragedy—more girls have recently shown a pattern of violence. This can be explained in several ways: by trying to close the gaps in their actions and achievement with boys, by society's changing expectations of girls, or because law enforcement is now taking acts of violence by girls more seriously. Meanwhile some segments of our population encourage girls to be mean, with comments such as "It's way overdue. Girls really should fight back."

Fact

Psychologist Leonard Eron states that, in order to cut down on our violence, boys should be socialized—that means introduced to and taught how to fit into society—more like girls. However, the fact is that in recent years, girls have been socialized more like boys. As a result, girls are now more prone to be aggressive and violent.

No matter what the explanations are for the phenomenon of a larger number of girls acting like mean chicks, more of them are indeed showing their aggressive sides. That does not bode well for society. Instead of humans becoming more civilized, the trend may be the reverse. The worst is that your daughter may be on the receiving end of aggressive and violent behavior by other girls. Yet even if there is no outright violence directed toward her, there are many subtle ways her feelings can be hurt or she can be stymied by girls her age.

You cannot protect your girl from every instance of hurt feelings, and that is not your purpose. Being exposed to some peer meanness and overcoming it is emotionally healthy for her, just as is having her immune system—her body's defense department—strengthened by exposure to some germs. It is much better for your daughter to face unkindness from other girls and learn to overcome it, rather than be shielded from it entirely and never have a chance to develop the necessary tools to combat it successfully. Without experiencing that struggle, your daughter would be deprived of the confidence that is a by-product of overcoming acts of rudeness and hostility by her classmates.

Mean Chick Conduct

Although you cannot protect your daughter from every mean behavior of her peers, you can arm her with knowledge about what to expect from some not-so-nice girls in her world and how to be prepared for it. Then she can disarm and defuse any of her classmates or "friends" who might be inclined to mistreat her. This mistreatment can take the forms of other girls engaging in:

1. Stealing her friends
2. Excluding her from social events
3. Stabbing her in the back (figuratively)
4. Spreading lies and rumors about her

Alert!

Do not feel complacent if your daughter reports no outright physical abuse, such as pushing, punching, or shoving, from her female classmates. Girls usually express their anger toward other girls in more subtle ways, such as through mean-spirited notes, phone calls, instant messaging or text messaging, and other electronic communications in a powerful peer rumor mill that aims to inflict pain.

There are many other ways girls can be mean to one another, but if your daughter is aware of the most prevalent signs of hostility some girls in her circle may exhibit, she can easily dodge or deflect them in whatever forms they may appear. Also, realizing that it is not the girls themselves—only their unkind behaviors—that she should object to, your girl can watch out for any red flags shown by other girls and avoid the accompanying negatives.

So the first piece of information to give your daughter is to let her know what types of mean chicks, identified here by their behavior, she may run across in her school, neighborhood, or community. You want her to be able to do the following:

• Understand and recognize the kinds of unfriendly or aggressive girl behaviors that exist.
• Learn to deal with girls showing those characteristics but only on her terms and conditions.
• Help those girls to be nicer, and create a more accepting climate at her school, neighborhood, and community.
• Avoid them and help her friends to avoid them as well.

Types and tactics of mean girls

Fact

Dr. Marian K. Underwood, a professor who studies anger, aggression, gender, and children's peer relationships, calls the way children and adolescents can express their anger and contempt toward their peers "social aggression." By resorting to it, kids intend to hurt their peers through lowering their self-esteem and standing in their groups and relationships.

Mean Chick Types

Parents must not forget that the unfriendly or hostile girls your daughter meets all have their reasons for the way they behave. Most often these reasons arise from their home life, from the way they were raised from babyhood on, or from what they have observed in their parents' dealing with relationships. For example, if they see their parents manipulate their friends, they will act similarly. Or if their parents live to gossip about their neighbors, their daughters will indulge in that as well.

Yet no matter how adept some girls become in their negative machinations of others, they rarely feel good about themselves. In truth, most of them feel miserable and—by lashing out at your daughter and her friends, most often verbally—they try to get other girls to feel miserable too. Based purely on their behavior, these mean chicks can be divided into the following categories:

1. Snobs. These girls judge the world, your daughter, and other girls only in terms of their "wealth" or their connection, if any, to famous people.
2. Gossips. These girls love to spread bits of information around, especially if it is negative, which they tend to embellish.
3. Teasers. These girls enjoy finding a weakness or sore spot in other girls, including your daughter, and needling them about it constantly in a mean way.
4. Bullies. These girls, though rarer than the others, threaten to, or physically hurt, other girls.
5. Traitors. These girls are the most dangerous in the long run. They will gain your daughter's complete confidence and then betray her by word or deed. Therefore, they can leave lasting scars.

It bears repeating: No girl is ever born mean. They are made that way. An unkind girl is the product of her environment, just as your daughter is the product of hers. Sad to say, but some girls come from homes where snobbishness, gossiping, sarcastic teasing, bullying, and betrayal go on every day. These patterns of behavior are shown to them not only by their parents but also by their siblings, while the parents stand by and condone the actions.

Alert!

Watch how you treat women. If you are nice to their faces but as soon as they leave, criticize them and make disparaging remarks about them to others, you are teaching your daughter to become a backstabbing girl who will then become a backstabbing young woman.

For that reason, you want your daughter to understand that planned acts of unkindness from other girls are rooted in their personal background and she should pity girls whose character training has been neglected, but that does not excuse their behavior.

Mean Chick Tactics

Should some of the different types of mean girls target your daughter, she will need to know how to handle them and defend herself. It is always best to assume that at some point in her school career she will be exposed to rude remarks or other signs of brattiness by other girls. Therefore, a generic approach to run-of-the-mill bad behavior, such as contemptuous glares, expressions of disgust, or abrupt turning away, can come in handy. Here are a few tactics your daughter can use.

• Never take the meanness personally.
• Try to feel sorry for the girl who acts that way.
• Never revert to the same behavior herself.
• Try to take the upper hand by saying, tongue-in-cheek, "Sorry, I didn't realize you are having a bad day."

Also, practice with your daughter how to stand in a powerful way, with her spine straight, her head up, and facing her potential detractors. Tell her she can send any mean chicks scurrying by her stance, attitude, and confident signals. One thing to remember about mean-acting girls is that they usually look for the meekest and quietest girl in the crowd and leave stronger girls alone. To take charge in a negative situation means to be empowered. Empower your girl not to be a doormat. Instead, rehearse with her how to take a stand against unkind girls.

You also want to make sure your daughter has some classmates who will insulate her against being singled out and give her a network for support and for venting her frustrations.

Question

My daughter who is going into seventh grade is neither outgoing nor tall. Will she get picked on by the bigger and tougher girls?

Do not let your fears spill over onto your girl and scare her unnecessarily. Be extra supportive to her during the first few days of school and expect that she will do fine. There are so many different girls in school that she will soon find a few who are friendly.

Long-Term Advantages

What is so heartwarming when you teach your daughter about any mean chicks is that you are giving her another important life skill. In the years to come, she may run into them in various mutations in college, on the job, in her neighborhood, her house of worship, or her workout place—as her superiors, coworkers, or subordinates—in short, wherever there are women who have not experienced the skillful and wise parenting you are dispensing. So there is always a good chance your girl will run across quite a few unhappy women who try to make others feel as bad as they do via their mean-spirited and cat-fighting tendencies.

Counter Catfights

With her insight into mean girls, your daughter will know how to handle any catfights. She will recognize any spiteful females from a mile away. Actually she will welcome their presence because she will have a chance to help them improve their behavior, if possible. If not, she will deal with them to her best advantage, not theirs.

That does not mean your girl will not feel a twinge of hurt when confronted by female rudeness, but the twinge will be just another sign that she is making progress. Physical exercise can make her sore. Exercising her relationship muscles is no different. Your daughter will get better each time she triumphs over the disrespect from other girls. Plus, being empowered, she will be able to help other girls who contribute to her growth and make her life more fun.