Communication Between Older & Younger Siblings

It's a dreaded moment in parenthood when you get stuck in the crossfire of your children's fights. Why do siblings argue so much? It all comes back to their own developmental needs. Because your children are at different stages in life, they need unique things -- and when a brother or sister interferes with these needs, fights happen. While a toddler may need freedom to roam your house, your eighth-grader may need serious privacy. And while a fourth-grader may want to follow his big brother everywhere, your high schooler may need more autonomy and distance.

  1. Adding a New Child to the Family

    • Bringing a second (or third, or fourth) child into your life will always change your family dynamic. Your current child will react differently depending on his age. A toddler may act out because he doesn't understand why you can't pay as much attention to him as you used to, while an older child may be more understanding but still have trouble communicating his own feelings to you. Explain to your child that his new sibling can't talk yet, so it takes a little more work to take care of him. Involve your child in caring for the baby -- it'll help forge a healthy attachment that will make communication between siblings easier in the long run. As for bringing in an older adopted child, nip rivalry in the bud by helping your children understand that their differences mean they have unique needs, but that this doesn't mean one is better than the other.

    Adolescent Siblings

    • If one child in a set of siblings is an adolescent, she will have a strong developmental need to assert her independence and privacy. According to a 2010 University of Missouri study on adolescent sibling behavior, personal space is the No. 1 cause of communication breakdown in older siblings. If you have a teenager and a grade-school child, for example, it's essential that your teen has a space to call her own -- and that your younger child knows not to take her sister's belongings or barge into her room. When you help establish personal space for all siblings, they will feel more secure in their ability to trust and communicate with one another.

    Conflict Resolution and Your Role as Parent

    • According to KidsHealth.org, your kids learn the most about conflict resolution by watching you. If you fight "fair," meaning you work through most arguments without raising your voice, slamming doors or getting violent, your children will learn to do the same. Additionally, if you bottle up your anger and fight with your friends or partners behind closed doors, your child won't learn a thing about constructive communication. Even if you think you have a handle on fighting fair, it's never a bad idea to read a self-help book or meet with a therapist to improve your communication skills. However, resist the urge to "resolve" your children's conflicts yourself. Not only will this hinder their opportunities to practice communication, but your children may also get the feeling that you're siding with the other sibling -- a resentment that hurts everyone.

    Building Communication and Trust

    • If two of your kids are at each other's throats, consider separating them until they've calmed down a bit. Remind both kids that fighting is a two-way street, meaning both children need to recognize that they reacted poorly. Don't speak in terms of right/wrong or fair/unfair -- keep your kids focused on improving their communication by describing how they felt in the situation. Explain the difference between reacting -- screaming, hitting, getting defensive -- and responding: using "I" statements rather than accusatory "you" statements, choosing to talk objectively about the situation instead of blaming or yelling.

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