How to Raise a Self-Confident Child

From first sight, your child enters your heart and inspires you to nurture her with love and encouragement. While your children certainly need and deserve your support, Ask Dr. Sears cautions against assuming a thick layer of praise and compliments is the ticket to building your child's self-confidence. Putting unrealistic, guilt-producing expectations on yourself to take sole responsibility for her self-esteem by shielding her against even a hint of frustration, disappointment or unhappiness will actually be a confidence killer when she encounters the challenges of the real world. Raising a self-confident child takes no special training. Enjoy your kids and fill your home with hugs, respect and honest communication, and you can watch your child's self-confidence blossom.

Instructions

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      Fix yourself first. Shed whatever confidence-killing baggage you carry from your own past that makes you overly self-critical and pessimistic so you don't set an example you don't want your kids to imitate. Don't pressure yourself to be "up" all the time, but let your predominant pattern of relating to your child be one that gives him the idea that he makes you happy and is fun to be with. Even when you are having a bad day, let your child know it isn't because he isn't good enough for you. If you need professional help to work through serious emotional issues, seek counseling.

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      Listen when your child voices inaccurate or irrational beliefs about her own perfection, attractiveness, ability or anything else. Avoid excessive or empty praise, advises Peggy Drexler, an assistant professor of psychology at Cornell University's Weill Medical College, writing for "Psychology Today." Instead, help your child see that shortcomings in one area do not carry over into general failure or inadequacy as a person. If she struggles with academics, point out that she is a great athlete, mechanically gifted, or an excellent friend or cook. Let her know she doesn't have to be good at everything to have value as a person, nor does her future depend on being a master of all trades. Encourage her in pursuits that develop her natural interests and talents that can become the foundation of her adult career. Clearly communicate that your love does not depend on her performance. Although you expect her to put forth her best effort in everything, perfection is not required.

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      Be generous with your hugs. Let spontaneous affection be the norm in your house. Recognize your child's effort and intention at difficult tasks, even when the result is less than desirable. Take time to watch for positive behaviors and tell your child "I noticed that you cleaned up your own dishes after breakfast. I appreciate that." Or "Hey, you tied your own shoes today. Way to go! I bet you're proud of yourself, huh?" Be honest about your own feelings and make it safe for your child to express his feelings in a controlled fashion at appropriate times. Let him know his feelings are important to you, and be available to help him work through difficult emotions without condoning tantrums.

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      Engage your child in positive social experiences and responsibilities. Try volunteering for community service projects as a family. Involve her in local youth organizations or mentoring programs. Give her the gift of your own time in play, without trying to structure and control the play but letting your child direct the fun. Your child gains much self-confidence through household chores that contribute to the well-being of the whole family. Even young children can handle small jobs, such as tearing lettuce for a salad, wiping a counter with a wet cloth or sponge or stirring together ingredients in a bowl. By kindergarten, she can help sort laundry by colors and do dishes. Older kids can shop for and cook a family meal, make their own lunch, tend the garden and wash the car.

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