How to Talk to an Adopted Child About Her Birth Family

While it is likely easy to talk about the joyful memories of the day you first met your child after the months -- or years -- of waiting, talking about your adopted child's birth families may seem a more daunting task. Perhaps you don't have much information to give or perhaps your child's history is a difficult one to convey. Jayne Schooler, adoption advocate and author, states that parents should begin talking about birth families early and often. By beginning the discussion early, you are setting the stage for a healthy relationship with your child and helping him to feel empowered to come to you with questions.

Instructions

    • 1

      Share what you know about your child's birth parents with him. Holly van Gulden and Lisa Bartels-Rabb, authors of "Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child," state that even the simplest details about birth parents are helpful for adopted children, who may wonder what their birth mother looked like or did for a living. If no information is available about your child's birth parents, help him articulate his thoughts with words such as "I wonder if you inherited your beautiful curls from your birth mother."

    • 2

      Repeat the discussion at various ages and stages of your child's life. She may forget what she has been told, and may have more complex and detailed questions throughout the years. Try to anticipate the types of questions you may encounter so you are prepared to handle your child's questions openly and honestly. Gradually share information as you deem it age appropriate, until your child has the full knowledge of his history.

    • 3

      Read books about birth families and adoption with your child. According to Adoption Resources of Wisconsin, books are a non-threatening way to open the dialogue about birth families since they focus on someone else. For books that discuss birthparents, the nonprofit Creating A Family recommends "The Rainbow Egg" by Linda Hendricks, "The Best for You" by Kelsey Stewart, and "Where are My Birth Parents: A Guide for Teenage Adoptees" by K. Gravelle and S. Fischer.

    • 4

      Empathize with your child. Normalize her experience and help her process her feelings about her birth family. Kathleen Whitten, a developmental psychologist and author of "Labor of the Heart: A Parent̵7;s Guide to the Decisions and Emotions in Adoption, ̶0; says it is important not to try to talk your child out of feeling the way she does about her birth family. If she is sad that there is not more information about her family, explain that you are sad, too. Support her feelings about any ambiguity behind her adoption without making up stories or creating information you don't have.

    • 5

      Follow your child's lead. He may need time to process information and withdraw from talking about his birth family for awhile. Allow the topic to come up naturally, but don't avoid it completely. Reassure your child that it is always OK to talk to you about missing and loving his birth family and respect his response whenever the topic arises.

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