How to Identify Enmeshment in Your Relationships with Teens and What To Do

Parenting teenagers requires a careful balance of supervised independence to help adolescents test their wings in the world. If the balance tips, one result could be a teen becoming more of a friend than a child. An enmeshed relationship generally involves unclear emotional boundaries, states David Prior, executive director of Sunrise Residential Treatment Program. Look for specific signs that indicate enmeshment. For example, if you routinely become depressed each time your teenager gets depressed or you feel an intense desire to fix her emotion instead of giving her space to solve the problem on her own, you might be caught up in an enmeshed relationship. It's important to recognize the signs of enmeshment with your teen so that you can make changes to create a healthier relationship.

  1. Typical Signs of Enmeshment

    • Emotional over-involvement is a principle sign of enmeshment, states Prior. When one person feels an emotion and another person reacts by mirroring the same emotion, enmeshment may be an issue. When enmeshment is present between a parent and a teen, the parent may be so tied to the adolescent that it̵7;s difficult to separate feelings and emotions. A teen may become overly dependent on a parent when enmeshment is an issue, showing struggles with personal responsibility. Enmeshment may also lead to the parent discouraging individuality in the teen and outside friendships, according to licensed counselor Tamara Portee, writing for the ImagineHope website. Often, people in an enmeshed relationship don̵7;t realize the blurring of boundaries is occurring, according to social worker Margarita Tartakovsky, writing for PsychCentral.

    Self-Analysis for Enmeshment Identification

    • An inward examination may expose clues about this emotional entanglement. If self-esteem and happy feelings seem contingent on a relationship, you may have issues with enmeshment, states Tartakovsky. When there is an enmeshed relationship, conflict or arguments between you and your teen can lead to profound anxiety and fear. This anxiety may involve strong compulsions to resolve a conflict quickly to restore the peace. Lack of contact between the two of you -- such as separations during school or work time -- can also cause anxiety in an enmeshed relationship. The time apart could lead to intense loneliness and a strong need to reconnect. Sometimes enmeshment can lead to neglect of other relationships, also.

    Enmeshment Friendship Scenarios

    • Instead of maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship, sometimes a parent can elevate a teen to become more like a peer or friend than a child, warns author and licensed therapist Susan Pease Gadoua, writing for Psychology Today. This type of enmeshment often occurs in the aftermath of divorce or the death of a spouse when a parent turns to a child for support. Expecting emotional support from a teen results in being overly dependent on your child and places a harmful burden on the adolescent as the youngster may not have the necessary skills and experience to step into this position, warns Gadoua. A teen might feel helpless and overwhelmed in this situation.

    Setting Boundaries

    • Resolving enmeshment can be challenging because thought processes and habits need to change to make the relationship healthier. Speaking with a therapist can provide guidance and assistance in understanding healthy boundaries, which can help you make positive changes. Start small to practice setting boundaries. For example, instead of trying to dissect every minute of your teen̵7;s day, step back and let her come to you when she wants to talk about something that happened. A little breathing room can give your adolescent the space she needs to explore her thoughts and emotions. Look for other avenues to fill your time and to fulfill your emotional needs such as speaking with a therapist, taking up a hobby or spending time with supportive friends.

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