What to Do When Your Teenage Kid Defies You

The timeouts that helped shape your child's behavior don't have the same effect as she reaches the teenage years. Your teen faces pressure from teachers, peers and you. Her defiance may stem from those pressures, a lack of respect for you or a lack of connection to the family, according to clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting. Handling the defiance effectively is key to getting your teen's behavior under control without distancing her more.

  1. Establish Boundaries

    • Your teen needs specific rules before her defiant behavior will improve. Teens often test the boundaries by pushing to see what they can get away with, according to WebMD. Giving in, or failing to enforce the rules you set, shows her that she can get away with being defiant. Be precise when setting boundaries. For example, specify that your teen must be inside the house by 10:00 o'clock every night. The common problems you have with your teen are a logical place to start when creating boundaries. Sit down with your teen and go over the rules so she knows exactly what you expect.

    Enforce Consequences

    • Rules become effective when you have consequences associated with them. The negative effect of breaking a rule discourages your teen from repeating the mistakes in behavior. Logical consequences make the most sense. If your teen takes the car without permission, she might lose driving privileges, for example. Short periods of punishment are often most effective for teens, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. Take away her driving privileges for a few days instead of all monthlong, for example. Consistent enforcement of the consequences is also key in getting your teen's behavior under control. Without consistency, she learns she may get away with not following the rules.

    Dig Deeper

    • Defiance is sometimes a symptom of a deeper issue. Your teen feels peer pressure to go out and party, so she breaks curfew. She had a fight with a friend, so she takes it out on you by talking back. Instead of taking the defiant behavior personally, look for the root cause of her behavior. Realizing that your teen faces a lot of stress may help you become more understanding. Encourage honest communication about things that might be bothering your teen. Let her know she can talk about anything with you. Hearing some of her feelings or experiences may be difficult, but avoid judging or criticizing your teen for the things she shares.

    Find Connections

    • Finding ways to connect with your teen can help rebuild the trust and respect that is no longer felt. Markham recommends listening, trying to understand how your teen feels and letting her know you care even when she misbehaves. You might connect over a common interest, such as a favorite band or a book you have both read. Avoid forcing the common ground, but instead stay sincere when building connections.

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