How Parents Affect Teenage Personality Development

Personal Relations

• The key ways in which parents affect a teenager̵7;s personality development are closely related to how they relate to their kids, says Dr. Fran Walfish, California-based psychotherapist and author of ̶0;The Self-Aware Parent.̶1; If a parent is harshly critical, the teen will likely emerge with a harsh superego, whereas he is strongly self-critical, she says. ̶0;After years of being the target or object of the parent̵7;s criticisms, the teen takes on the parent̵7;s harsh critic and becomes a self-critic,̶1; continues Walfish.

Childhood Cues

• Although it may seem natural to read a child̵7;s cues, many parents may lack a nurturing nature that can affect a teenager̵7;s personality development. If during the infancy, toddler and early childhood years, the parent fails to consistently monitor and warmly read the child̵7;s cues and needs accurately, then the child grows up to be uncertain of where she stands in the mind of the parent, warns Walfish. She recommends providing feedback to children of any age, whether positive or negative, to rule out any anxiety due to uncertainty. Without clear communication or feedback, a child may emerge with a fear of abandonment and a black-and-white style of relating where she either loves you or hates you, she says.

Responses to Feelings

• How you respond to your child̵7;s feelings matters and can contribute to how your teenager̵7;s personality develops, advises Jennifer Kogan, a psychotherapist in Washington, D.C. It̵7;s important for parents to retain or recover an awareness of what it was like to be a teenager to support and validate a teen̵7;s feelings. Learning to separate your feelings from what your teen is actually experiencing is key, says Kogan. For example, just because you felt crushed when your first relationship ended, it doesn't mean that your teen feels the same way. Offer support but remember that your teen is an individual and likely has feelings and personality traits that differ from your own. Kogan recommends offering a supportive ear without judgment or advice if your teen does not ask for it.

Definitions of Success

• Teens define success much differently than adults. If a parent defines success by good grades or sports achievements and her child does not value academic or athletic progress, it is likely misunderstandings will result, ultimately, negatively affecting a teenager̵7;s personality development. Instead of assuming your child holds the same values and definitions of success, Kogan recommends taking note of what gives your teen a feeling of flow, connection and energy and providing positive feedback for those things to help her develop an authentic sense of self. This reassurance can prompt your teen to voice her preferences at home and, with your emotional support, discover her strengths and weaknesses.