Parental Strategies for Emotional Behavior Issues

Voicing Disapproval

• The purpose of emotion was always to drive a human to act in a specific manner. For example, anger gives people the drive to overcome an obstacle, such as becoming motivated to fight when an intruder trespasses on your property. In the modern world, these reactions to emotions are often inappropriate, especially in the school. But children don't always know this; in many situations, they simply react instinctually. Parents must voice their disapproval to make it clear to children that such behaviors are inappropriate. For younger children, parents can tell their children that certain actions are wrong and perhaps administer non-violent punishment. For older children, parents should clearly explain why such behaviors are wrong, pointing out how the consequences of such behaviors affect others or are dangerous.

Avoid Criticism

• Just as responding inappropriately to some emotions is natural for a child, criticizing or scolding a child for her behaviors is natural for a parent. Avoiding what feels natural to you is an important strategy in preventing bad behavior. John Gottman, professor of devolpmental psychology at the University of Washington, has performed research on the effects of parental negativity toward poor behavior in children. In his book, ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,̶1; he explains the long-term effects of responding negatively to your child̵7;s poor behavior. Children who receive large amounts of criticism in childhood tend to have higher levels of stress, more behavioral problems and poorer academic abilities as they grow, Gottman said. Parents therefore should avoid criticizing their children directly, instead pointing out how the behavior itself is incorrect and should be corrected.

Talk with Your Child

• Following your disapproval of misbehavior, you need to help your child find an alternative solution to the problem he was trying to solve. For example, your son might refuse to go to his first day of school because of feelings of anxiety. Talking through the issue can help you come to a solution together. Sometimes, drawing upon family values and discussing those values with your child brings up a clear answer. In the school example, you might consider explaining to your son how facing your fears makes you a stronger person, whereas throwing a tantrum and refusing to go play only delays the problem and makes him feel worse.

Set Limits

• When a child misbehaves the first time, parents should show disapproval and follow up by talking through the problem and setting clear limits for future behavior. A first-time offense is forgivable, but children won't grow emotionally if they can't recognize when they are about to make a mistake they̵7;ve made before. Set limits on actions, not emotions. The goal of solving emotional behavior issues is allowing the child to feel without acting out on those feelings, so parents should point out what behavior is incorrect and clearly explain that such behavior should not occur again. Moms and dads can then offer examples of substitute behavior that can replace the original, negative, behaviors. For example, a daughter who responds to anger by name-calling should know by the second temptation to redirect her anger into a non-negative action, such as explaining why she̵7;s angry.