Good Praise Vs. Bad Praise for Children

Parental Approval

• Praising is something we ̶0;do to̶1; children, rather than "working with," according to Kohn. He writes that praise is a verbal reward that is an attempt to change someone̵7;s behavior. Children who are praised learn to value the praise over the intrinsic satisfaction of the activity itself. They become focused on earning the approval of the parent and learn that they are not loved for who they are but for what they do. Kohn adds that his concern about praising is that it̵7;s a form of conditioning children to behave in certain ways, and that the implication is that praise -- and parental love -- will be withdrawn if the child chooses to behave differently.

Process Praise

• Children in fifth grade who were praised for being smart tended to avoid challenges, according to Dr. Gwen Dewar, an anthropologist who studies the science of parenting. These children were more likely to avoid challenges and prefer easy tasks, because they were more focused on looking good in relation to their peers than on whether they had really learned something from the task. When children were praised for effort, they were more likely to look for challenging tasks and to try new strategies. They were also less likely to give up easily, perform poorly after a failure or view a failure as evidence that they weren̵7;t very smart. Dewar recommends what she calls process praise, such as praising children for the strategies they try, the effort they put into something or their persistence.

Praise and Self-Esteem

• The issue of praising children might be even more complicated, according to a February 2013 article in the ̶0;Journal of Experimental Psychology,̶1; by Eddie Brummelman, of Utrecht University, et al. The study found that when children had low self-esteem, adults tended to focus their praise on the personal aspects in a ratio of 30 percent personal praise to children with low self-esteem, and 14 percent personal praise to children with high self-esteem. When kids had high self-esteem, personal praise seemed to be neutral, neither helping nor harming the child. In children with low self-esteem, however, personal praise made them feel more ashamed of failure. The authors report that personal praise seemed to make the children feel that a mistake or failure derived from who they were rather than how they performed.

Positive Feedback

• Clinical psychologist Dr. Laura Markham, creator of the AHA! Parenting website for parents, recommends parents change the way they interact with a child to provide positive feedback rather than always sending a ̶0;Good job!̶1; message. Markham notes that parents want their children to make wise choices, and one way to do that is to describe the effect of the choice. In sports, for example, Markham suggests a comment such as, ̶0;When you passed the ball to Johnnie, he was able to go on a make a goal for the whole team.̶1; The implicit message is that teamwork is important to winning. Markham says this interaction allows a child to see that she has power in the world and adds that ̶0;I love you̶1; is the kind of praise that̵7;s always effective.