How to Negotiate With Kids
Your children might begin as early as 3 or 4 years of age to negotiate changes to established rules. While this might drive you to distraction, pick your battles, advises Scott Brown, author of "How to Negotiate With Kids Even When You Think You Shouldn't." Routinely insisting on certain rules -- wearing seat belts, for example -- shows them that those rules are not negotiable, no matter what. Being flexible in areas that you can, on the other hand, teaches them how to express their opinions, how to negotiate and also gives them the opportunity to learn from the occasional poor choice.
Instructions
Explain to your child that certain rules are not subject to negotiation. Most rules in this category deal with safety, following local or federal laws, or your family's particular "must-do" items. Depending on your child's age, non-negotiable rules might include wearing a helmet when riding a bike, wearing seat belts in the car, not taking items that don't belong to them and not using curse words. When discussing these rules, don't present them as optional: "You may not ride your bike unless you wear your helmet" is clear and direct, while "I'd like you to wear your helmet" or "Don't you think you should wear your helmet?" makes it sound as though the child has a choice. Teach your child by example and by instruction how effective negotiations work. Explain that negotiation requires give and take, and a strong rationale for the position he is espousing. Remind him that the age-old "but everybody else gets to" isn't going to work with you and does not count as a legitimate rationale. Teach him that negotiation doesn't mean whining, complaining or arguing about why he wants to stay up past his bedtime, for example. Wanting to stay up late to watch TV isn't a good rationale, but wanting to stay up late one time to watch a recognized quality program on a science topic he's studying in school might be. Present choices in a close-ended manner. If you ask your little one what she wants for lunch, she might choose ice cream, blueberries, pancakes and cookies. You're likely to tell her she can't have those things, so she feels stymied. Instead, say: "You can't have all those things, but you can have a sandwich and blueberries with yogurt or you can have macaroni with a cookie for dessert. Which one would you like?" This signals to her that you've heard her preferences and are willing to honor some of them, when doing so does not compromise her health or safety. Limit your child's options in a negotiation. Unless you truly don't care whether your son wears a tutu, a cape and combat boots to school, don't tell him he can wear whatever he wants. Instead, if he asks to wear something outrageous, say "No, that would not be appropriate for school. But you may pick from A, B, or C if you want to wear something out of the ordinary." This approach to negotiation allows you to stick to your principles but, at the same time, gives your child a measure of choice and the understanding that he can effectively negotiate on certain issues.
