Child Behavior Modification & Control

Control in Parenting

• Control is a natural strategy for parents, because it is all a parent can really do when a child is young. Control comes in many forms, but has a common trait: It uses force, whether it be physical or verbal or rule-imposed, to regulate a child̵7;s behavior. A mom who tends to use control in her parenting style will forbid certain actions or administer discipline such as time-out. These are reasonable forms of control. Negative forms of control tend to be more aggressive, such as using spanking or criticizing to show children what parents cannot accept. Parents of this type tend to focus more on the behavior of their kid and less on the emotions, urges, or motivations behind such actions.

Modification in Parenting

• Modification becomes available to parents after children develop their communication skills. Modification is using words to drive your child̵7;s behavior in a certain direction, without the use of force. Parents who choose modification over control in their parenting style tend to think of the reasons for misbehavior and then talk to their children about how to satisfy their needs through other, more appropriate means. An influencing parent might respond to a child who hits others by saying, ̶0;When you are angry, you need to calm down. Use your words to solve your problem,̶1; rather than responding to violence with spanking, which only serves to teach kids that violence does solve problems in the end.

Effects of Control

• Developmental psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on the effects of parenting styles on children, laying the results out in his book ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.̶1; He mentions how parents who resort to controlling behaviors tend to raise children that have a hard time making decisions and coping with negative emotions. Children who grow up in a household with parents giving constant orders rarely need to figure out what to do on their own, leading to passiveness in decision-making. The fact that controlling parents rarely address emotions and mainly focus on behavior can lead children to think that it̵7;s wrong to feel certain ways. They might make an internal conclusion, such as, ̶0;Whenever I feel sad, Dad yells at me, so feeling sad must be wrong.̶1; In general, the effects of controlling behavior are negative for a child̵7;s development. Of course, in certain situations, control might be the only option to stop a child from acting in an inappropriate or dangerous way.

Effects of Modification

• Modification tends to have an effect on children opposite to that of control. Children who grow up in households in which problems are discussed have strong decision-making skills and a robust ability to cope with bad feelings. Parents who suggest instead of demand show their kids that the final choice on how to act is still up to their kids, proving to children that autonomy is a real thing. And while influence and control might have the same behavioral results, children who have had discussions with their parents are more likely to understand why they engage in bad behaviors. Instead of thinking, ̶0;I shouldn̵7;t steal because Dad will spank me,̶1; kids will have a more principled approach to reasoning against bad behavior. For example, a child who has discussed jealously with his parents will know that jealousy is a natural feeling but doesn̵7;t give someone the right to steal.