How to Build Emotional Muscle in Children & Adolescents

Helping your kids train their emotional muscles sounds complicated, but it really isn̵7;t. Parents need not engage in complex training sessions or pick up large textbooks on the subject; they only need to engage their children in cooperative, heart-to-heart discussions. By holding discussions in which you focus on your child̵7;s emotions and how to properly deal with said emotions, you can benefit your child̵7;s sense of emotional intelligence and help her correct poor habits that lead to misbehavior.

Instructions

    • 1

      Avoid being the main problem-solver. Offer your help to your children when they have emotional troubles but do this only when you are sure they need help or when they ask for it. This is especially important for teens, who usually both want and need to solve problems on their own. When your kid finds herself in a difficult situation, play the role of the coach instead of the problem-solver. If they continually rely on their parents as the go-to people for their problems, they will never learn how to deal with the problems and the emotions those problems bring on their own.

    • 2

      Respect your child̵7;s emotions. Let your child know when she has done something wrong, but let her feel her natural emotions, even those that you usually wish to quash, such as anger or sadness. Doing so helps your child learn that the inappropriate expression of those emotions, such as hitting or throwing a tantrum, is unacceptable behavior. Avoid using phrases such as ̶0;Grow up,̶1; or ̶0;You shouldn̵7;t be upset,̶1; as these can be perceived as attacks on emotions.

    • 3

      Consult your kid on how to properly express her emotions. Have an emotion-focused discussion when you can tell, as parents usually can, that she is experiencing a negative emotion. John Gottman, developmental psychologist and author of the book ̶0;Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,̶1; has developed a technique he coins ̶0;emotion coaching̶1; in which the parent and child discuss how to properly funnel emotions into actions. For example, during a discussion with your teen about recent anger issues, you can brainstorm how she can creatively convert anger into something productive, such as keeping a journal or painting. The key is to help your child recognize an emotion and stop to think before reacting to it.

    • 4

      Commend your kid for participating in the emotional discussion. Show her that you appreciate being able to hear her and help her come up with better solutions to her problems. This will not only show your kid that the expression of emotions is acceptable, it will also encourage her to prompt future discussions. For teens, this is especially important, as many teens are embarrassed to share their feelings and lives with their parents. But by showing your appreciation, you promote a safe, open environment for discussion.

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