Influence vs. Control in Parenting
Parenting is tough work for everyone. Tasked with the awe-inspiring responsibility of raising a helpless infant into a self-sufficient, emotionally healthy adult, it is easy to feel overwhelmed. You might worry that other parents judge you harshly when your kids act out, or fear that your mistakes will cause your children to fail in life. You may worry about becoming an over-involved helicopter parent, but know that being too hands-off can lead to disaster. Finding a balance is the key to a successful parent-child relationship.
-
Children̵7;s Evaluation of Parenting
-
You might not realize it, but children closely evaluate their parents throughout their formative years, says Dr. Carl Pickhardt in an article on the ̶0;Psychology Today̶1; website. During early childhood, your kids will largely view you as a hero. They idealize your abilities and freedoms, and try to become more like you. As teens struggle to find their own identity, they cast off the mantle of childhood and become critical of the way you raised them. They find fault and pick fights in an effort to justify their breaking away from the family unit. In young adulthood, they go through a period of self-evaluation in which they weigh their childhood experiences and integrate the different parts of themselves. At this point, they are ready to accept you as a flawed but well-meaning human being and accept the ways that your influence shaped their lives. Accepting a teen̵7;s criticism or a young adult̵7;s evaluation is not easy, and many parents try to control their kids in an effort to avoid these harsh reviews.
Importance of Influence
-
Parental influence plays a crucial role in helping kids learn to make good decisions. For example, a 2008 study at the University of Wisconsin cited by Psych Central shows that teens who have a good relationship with their parents are less likely to engage in early sexual behavior. Although numerous other factors are also at work, high quality, involved parenting can cut through many of those factors and encourage teens to follow your advice. Maintain open lines of communication, clearly convey your moral values and behavioral expectations, and help your child think through his options in complex situations.
Why Control Doesn̵7;t Work
-
When someone becomes overbearing and demanding, the natural human instinct is to become defensive, according to Debbie Pincus of Empowering Parents. Trying to force your child to behave in a certain way leads her to rebel against your demands. Power struggles, in which you and your child fight for control, are the inevitable result. When your child is always in the position of defending himself and justifying his actions, he does not have the mental space free to make positive, growth-oriented decisions for his future.
Finding Balance
-
Ms. Pincus suggests that the key to influencing without controlling lies in the ability to set limits that give your child a feeling of choice. If she doesn̵7;t like what you prepared for breakfast, she is free to prepare something different, but she must sit down and eat with you. He is free to decide not to clean his room, but he is not allowed to go out until it is clean. You decide which limits your child needs, but he gets to choose how to operate within those limits.
-
-
Hyper children are those who are overactive and find it difficult to calm themselves down. All children are hyper sometimes, whether from exhaustion, illness, excitement or the effects of foods and drinks. Some children are diagnosed with hyperactivi
-
Perhaps its hard to face, but as parents, were not perfect. We make mistakes. We mess up. Were hard on our children when we know we should have been soft. Were impatient when we should have been kind. We snap when we should have been understanding. W
-
You worked all day, then spent the evening running the kids to and from their activities, somehow managing to feed them and get homework done in between. Everyone is finally settled in for the evening, and the last thing you want to think about is ta
