How to Tell a 16-Year-Old She Is Adopted

Telling a 16-year-old that she is adopted is not an easy undertaking. As a parent, you want the best for your daughter and you want her to understand that you love her unconditionally, regardless of how she came into your family. For your own reasons or due to certain circumstances, you may have waited until the teen years to let her know that she is adopted. This may present a number of challenges, but they're not impossible to overcome.

  1. Don't Beat Around the Bush

    • In her book, "The Face in the Mirror: Teenagers and Adoption," nurse and adoptive parent Marion Crook advises adoptive parents to be as direct, honest and accepting as possible when telling the adoption story. It's not an easy subject to broach, and you may be feeling nervous, worried or panicked about your daughter's reaction. But there's really no easy way around the truth -- and your daughter is already at an age where she'll be able to pick up on cues that might indicate that you're hiding something. Sit down with her during a quiet time to break the news, but do so as gently as possible.

    Provide Reassurance and Support

    • When a 16-year-old girl first finds out that she was adopted, she may experience a host of emotions, including anger, confusion or even rage. She might be wondering why you haven't previously shared this information. Crook points out in her book that many adopted teens face more developmental challenges than their non-adopted peers. They require reassurance to help them recover from the feeling that their birth mothers abandoned them. It's crucial to be attentive and supportive of your daughter's feelings. If she needs to react with rage, let her let it out; if she needs to cry, let her cry. Sit with her and let her process her feelings. But if she wants to be alone, give her space.

    Encourage Communication

    • All teens question their identity and struggle to establish a coherent sense of self during adolescence. But according to the "Parenting Your Adopted Teenager" fact sheet from the Child Welfare Information Gateway, an adopted teenager may question her identify more than a non-adopted peer. It is important that you provide a firm, clear message that you are willing to talk about the adoption to help reduce emotional confusion and overload. Give her the facts about her adoption. If she wants information about her birth parents, give her as much information as you can. Let her know that you are there for her if she has any questions or wants to talk. Respect her wishes and let her know that you value her feelings.

    Seek Support

    • Finding an external source of support can be helpful for your daughter as she faces the truth about her background. Licensed clinical social worker Ellen Singer writes, in an article for the North American Council on Adoptable Children, that learning that she's been adopted may compound some of the issues related to normal adolescence. The usual sources of support, such as friends or school counselors, may not be as helpful as a therapist who is specifically trained to handle adoption issues. The Child Welfare Information Gateway suggests checking with resources like agency social workers involved with your daughter's adoption, local mental health associations, local adoptive parent support groups or state adoption agencies, for referrals to competent adoption therapists.

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