How to Hide Marital Conflict From Children
Most married couples disagree from time to time -- in fact, ABC News reports a University of Notre Dame study found that couples average about eight disputes per day, and that nearly half of these arguments are witnessed by the children. While some conflict is unavoidable, it is important for couples to manage their fighting so it doesn't result in their children being scarred for life. According to Dr. E. Mark Cummings, author of "Marital Conflict and Children," children as young as 6 months old are affected by marital conflict and may experience adjustment and sleep problems. Children who come from homes where unresolved arguments are a way of life may grow up to exhibit symptoms such as anxiety, depression and disregard for authority.
Instructions
Set some ground rules for your arguments. Discuss these rules with your spouse at a time when you're not in conflict, so you can approach the issue calmly and rationally. Your rules should include such basic elements of courtesy -- and safety --- as no screaming or hitting. Decide what your "cutoff point" is, the point where you become so angry you're liable to lose it and start flinging pots and pans at your spouse's head. Arrange for a signal word that means that this argument is best put on hold for the time being before things get too out of control. Take your argument behind closed doors when things do start to become heated, or you fear that they will. Children who are exposed to extreme marital conflict often exhibit the same symptoms as children who have been abused, and may even come into the line of fire as they step in to calm down or distract the parents. They may also come to feel that extreme anger is normal, and can become aggressive with other children as a result. Children also don't need to hear all the dirty details as you pick apart your finances or discuss unpleasant topics, such as infidelity or the possibility of divorce. Keep your kids out of the conflict. Never argue about the children in front of them. Any issues surrounding their behavior should be dealt with in private, so they are not made to feel guilty or ashamed at having caused the fight. Never try to to get a child to take sides with one parent or the other. Wake Forest University educational and adolescent psychologist Linda Nielsen warns that this can lead to children getting a false sense of power if they feel they've cast the deciding vote in an argument, or else feeling torn by having to choose one parent over another. Make sure your children see that the conflict has been resolved. Whether you work out a problem in front of them or behind closed doors, it's important for the kids to see that you still care about each other and the family. Seeing that you've made up after a fight will help your children regain their sense of emotional security, and you can even make it a "teaching moment." Give them a brief explanation of how you resolved the issue, for example, "I was upset because I felt Daddy wasn't doing enough to help out around the house, so we worked out a list of chores to make sure no one has to work too hard and everyone does their share."
