Setting Boundaries to Keep the Peace When Parenting Grown-Up Children

It is both a happy and a sad day when your children grow up, go to college, get jobs, acquire their own homes and even marry and have children of their own. If you have more than one child, your children might have good relations with each other or they might not. Sometimes you will be proud of what your children are doing, but perhaps not always. Setting boundaries can keep the peace for all.

  1. Forever Job Description

    • Being mom or dad doesn't stop when your child gets her own place. "Parent" is a forever job description. However, that doesn't mean that you will be able to solve all of your child's problems. Parents of adult children might be reaching a time when they struggle financially because of diminished work opportunities or their own health. In addition, there are some problems and situations that you will not be able to solve for your child. What you can do is listen, love them and be there for them. If they will accept it, you can offer advice based on your own experience, understanding that it is their choice whether or not they accept that advice.

    To Speak or Not to Speak

    • Advice needs to be offered very carefully to adult children. While it is tempting to insert your opinions into your child's affairs, they are often not wanted and not appreciated, sometimes even if your child has asked for help. If your child has grown up to be a responsible adult, you can usually wait for her to figure it out or ask for your advice. If your child is engaging in risky or illegal behaviors, or is herself endangered, you might have to intervene for the sake of your grandchildren.

    Moving Back Home

    • New adults sometimes have problems that they cannot handle. You child might fail in college, in the military or at her job and need a safe place to stay. Her marriage might fail, and she might return home with her children. You have gotten used to your routines; you have always had specific rules for your home, and these might come into conflict with your child's personal lifestyle and rules. It is a good idea to sit down as a family and discuss guidelines for living together. You might even want to set a time limit on how long you can offer this particular assistance.

    Raising Grandchildren

    • Watching your child parenting her children can be interesting. Sometimes you will be proud of how she is dealing with a situation, and sometimes you will wonder if you sent a very wrong message when you were parenting her. Times have changed, and the way you parented might no longer be acceptable. Comments such as, "What that child needs is a good spanking," or "You don't have to be so hard on her" or "You really let her do that?" are not useful to your child, and have the potential of driving a wedge between the two of you. Being there when your child calls in the middle of the night about her child, spending time with the grandchildren and staying in contact with the family is a more useful way of grandparenting.

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