How to Deal with Difficult Classmates

Get the facts. Use elicitation to learn about the situations in which your child feels her classmate is being difficult. Gauge the severity of the problem with a mix of logic and trust; while children can often blow small events out of proportion, they might also underestimate the severity of other actions, such as physical violence or stealing classmates̵7; possessions. If you cannot get the whole story from your child, contact the school.

Comfort your child. Allow her to express how she feels about the classmate. Because many children dealing with relationship problems keep their emotions to themselves, you have the responsibility of coaxing her to talk. Let her know that you will listen without judgment and that everyone experiences negative emotions and problematic relationships.

Guide your child through possible solutions for dealing with the difficult classmate. Let your child know that she will meet many difficult people in life and that she must either get along with them or find a way to sidestep problems with them. Discuss cooperation, looking at things from others̵7; perspectives and the motivators that cause people to be mean or troublesome.

For a younger child, you will have to lead the problem-solving process, giving her examples of actions that can help her avoid trouble. For example, many schools have cliques with "cool kids" who harass their "non-cool" peers; point out to your child that she can be "cool" without associating with the mean girls or anti-social cliques, even if these groups try to drag her in.

Point out that her reactions might be making her a target of difficult classmates; getting easily upset at small jokes or crying when sad could bring the attention of bullies or show-offs, so learning and practicing to control emotions in a healthy way becomes an important skill to develop. For older children, engage in a brainstorming process that allows them to come up with their own solutions, thereby giving them ownership of the ideas, which might make them more willing to use them.

Talk to the school if the situation merits it. Dr. Edward Dragan, bully scholar and author of ̶0;The Bully Action Guide,̶1; states that for instances of suspected bullying, whether physical or verbal, the school should refer to its code of conduct to see if the situation violates any rules. Because you cannot be physically present to step in, you must rely on your school to fulfill its obligations. If you use this method, let your child know. Tell her, ̶0;I̵7;ve talked to your school, and it will be keeping an eye on that difficult classmate. If he gives you trouble, talk to your teacher and get help from her.̶1;

Follow up on the situation. Ask your child how the difficult classmate̵7;s behavior has improved. Review what you and she did to solve this problem and turn it into a life lesson.