How to Help a Child Who Doesn't Respond to Discipline
Dealing with a child who does not listen or respond to discipline can be very frustrating for any parent, as well as for the child. The opportunity to teach the child appropriate action is often missed in the struggle. Parents can help a child who is resistant to discipline by creating an environment of accountability in the family with choices, appreciation and experiences to increase responsible actions.
Things You'll Need
- Paper
- Writing utensil
Instructions
Assess
Observe your current use of discipline and its outcome. Is it working? Notice when you are using discipline or punishment. Discipline comes from the word "disciple," meaning "to teach." Children are more likely to respond favorably to a teaching method that involves real life choices and consequences than one involving fear-based punishment. Explore alternatives to punishment. If you are using punishment, changing your approach to discipline can change how your child responds. Decide
Make a list of the behaviors that bother you. On the opposite side of the list write down the behaviors you want to see instead or what you appreciate about your child. Decide which behaviors do not need discipline and which ones need to be addressed. Think about how you can approach your child from a loving perspective so he will want to cooperate with you. Write down genuine statements you can use with your child that affirm your child's worth and encourage cooperation. For example, "I really appreciate that you picked up the blocks" or "I noticed that you helped Maggie when those kids were bothering her. You showed you care." Discuss
Talk to your child about discipline and ask your child how he would like to solve behavior problems. Older children often have solutions that parents would find acceptable. Focus on behaviors you would like to see rather than spell out a list of forbidden behaviors. If you have a pre-verbal child, consider ways you can redirect behavior from something that is inappropriate to an appropriate action. Choice
Point out the choices your child makes all through out the day so the focus is not only on negative outcomes. Teach with choices rather than punishment. If your child will not pick up her toys when asked, offer her a choice. Say something like, "If you pick up your toys now you will have them to use later today, but if you leave them on the floor I will pick them up and you will not be able to play with them until tomorrow." Offer to join in and clean up together with children who are young or very frustrated. Consistency
Be careful not to overuse choices and consequences so they become punishment in disguise. Plan ahead and follow through with choices and consequences so you and your child both get used to a consistent way of teaching. Allow yourself the space to experiment and grow with the process of discipline. This may be a new way of teaching your child, and there may be times when you question yourself. Continue to focus on the desired outcome for your family. Anger
Describe how you feel rather than direct your anger toward your child. If you feel at any point that you have crossed the line into punishment because you are angry, don't be afraid to apologize and start over. Parents are always modeling for their children and it is valuable to talk about how to apologize and do something different when necessary. Discuss ways to appropriately deal with anger with your child. Children who are old enough can talk about what they are feeling, while not blaming others. Young children may need a safe space to be alone or a hug to reinforce the fact that all emotions are a signal and safe to experience.
