How to Use Discipline Instead of Punishment
Many people confuse discipline and punishment and use the techniques interchangeably for any activity meant to modify a child's behavior. However, the techniques and results of discipline differ greatly from those of punishment. Parents who use discipline instead of punishment focus on teaching their children to make the next right choice rather than emphasizing the guilt of past misdeeds. Discipline requires the parent to exercise emotional self-control to avoid exacting consequences when both parent and child are still angry, frustrated and hostile. Techniques of discipline show respect for both parent and child, letting consequences -- rather than anger -- do the teaching. As a result, a disciplined child develops a sense of emotional security and responsibility for her own choices, a valuable social-emotional skill for coping with the ups and downs of life.
Instructions
Step back when your child misbehaves, and give yourself time to breathe and think clearly instead of reacting in the heat of the moment. The parent-child relationship is too valuable to damage with quick, rash decisions made in the midst of emotional turmoil. Don't be afraid to give yourself and your child time to cool down before you decide what the consequences of her misbehavior will be. Choose consequences that connect to the misbehavior and make sense to your child, recommends the University of Illinois Extension. Be empathetic but firm about following through on consequences. For example, if your child is playing and refuses to come to dinner or turns up his nose at the menu, you can choose not to argue, threaten and bargain with him to make him eat. Instead, you can say something like, "Gosh, I hope you've eaten enough to last you until breakfast, because the kitchen is closing at 7." Then follow through no matter how much he begs. One night of a rumbling tummy will go further towards teaching him to eat when the food is served than many arguments based solely on the use of words. Give choices that allow your child the opportunity to correct her mistakes, advises the UI Extension. For example, if she is disturbing the peace of the house by fighting or bickering with siblings, explain to her that people who are being respectful and pleasant to be around can choose their playmates, but those who are not respectful and pleasant get to play by themselves in their rooms, and ask which she prefers. If she doesn't choose in short order, be prepared to make the choice for her. Deliver the news of any consequence or choice in a calm tone of voice. You should be firm but exude a spirit of love and caring for the child while still disapproving of the behavior. Be a model of the self-control and discipline that you want to instill in your child. If you have to carry your child to his room for a timeout, do so slowly and calmly. The goal is not to make your child afraid of you. Learning through choices and consequences with warm, loving guidance teaches your child cause-and-effect thinking that ups the odds for responsible behavior in the future. Take the time to notice and comment when you catch your child making good behavior choices; this will encourage a repeat performance. The University of Missouri Extension explains the difference between praise and encouragement: "Praise judges the person, while encouragement talks about the actions." They advocate the superiority of encouragement, such as saying, "I noticed how hard you were working," or, "It looks like you're pretty excited about your science project. Will you tell me about it?" Taking time to notice and show interest in the things that are important to your child will go a long way toward building her confidence to make more right choices for the future -- which is the whole point of discipline in the first place.
Valya Telep, a child-development specialist writing for the Virginia Cooperative Extension explains that discipline is more effective when the parent stays calm and detached and allows the consequences to be the "bad guy."
