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Smart Talk: Six Ways to Speak to Our Kids

The TENDER approach to communication

Smart Talk: Six Ways to Speak to Our Kids This excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

Kathy glanced at the wall clock. Only 15 minutes until the school bus arrived! Her two children were dawdling, trying to delay the inevitable moment when they must grab their belongings and head down the driveway for their first day back at school.

"Mark!" Kathy cried. "Why aren't your supplies in your book bag where they're supposed to be?"

Before he could respond, eight-year-old Jenny dropped a box of cereal on the floor, scattering its contents.

Kathy sighed loudly. "Jenny, aren't you finished with your breakfast? The bus will be here any minute!" She yelled to her ten-year-old son, "Mark, I need you to help your sister clean up. I'll get your book bag ready. Hurry!"

"But I didn't spill anything," he protested.

"I never said you did. Just help her, please. Now!"

Mark made a face and walked over to his younger sister. While she was bent over scooping up the cereal, he hit her just hard enough behind her knee to cause her to fall. "Mom," Jenny called. "Mark pushed me!"

"I did not!"

"Then why am I on the floor?"

Mark whispered back, "Because I hit you. But I didn't push you."

Kathy huffed back into the kitchen and stood over her arguing children. She felt like screaming. She just wanted her kids to be ready on time, and she wanted them to be in a reasonably good mood for school. The vision she'd had of giving them warm hugs before they left had vanished. The only wish that would come true now was that they would make it to the bus with seconds to spare. But she'd have to act like a drill sergeant to make it happen.

What could she possibly have said to improve the situation?

The Three Outcomes of All Communication
Talking to your kids isn't hard. But talking smart takes some forethought and a little practice. Communicating with children is an essential and important job of parents. Done well, it can bind a family together and prevent or heal many problems. Not done well, family life can be tense and confusing, and the child will venture into the world inadequately prepared to cope with all life has to offer.

Most parents overestimate the amount of meaningful conversation they have with their grade-school children. Recent findings at the University of Michigan showed that household conversation (just sitting and talking with children) had dropped nearly 100 percent in 1997 compared to 1981. One reason was that kids spent more time at before- and after-school activities, and family mealtime declined by an hour per week. Also, the time kids spent visiting with friends or talking on the phone tripled.

If you're like most busy parents, chatting with your children is brief and usually begins with one of the following:

"How did you sleep?" ("Fine...")
"How was your day?" ("Fine...")
"Where are you going?" ("Outside...")
"When will you be back?" ("Later.")
"What did you do at school today?" ("Nothing.")
"Did you finish your homework?" ("I didn't have any.")
"Stop that!" ("But she started it!")
"How many times have I told you..." ("Oh, Mom!")

For many parents, these comments and others just like them make up the bulk of conversation on most days. Whether parents realize it or not, any communication attempt will have one of three consequences:

1. It will bring them closer to their children.
2. It will start an argument.
3. It will lead to avoidance or withdrawal.

Be honest. Do the majority of your conversations encourage closeness with your kids? Arguments are sometimes unavoidable, but they need not be poisonous to the relationship. As often as not they can end positively or at least without one or both sides feeling frustrated.

In too many families, conversations with children have a neutral effect at best. No harm was done, but neither was anything accomplished. The goal is to talk so that the parent-child relationship is enhanced, discipline is more effective, and your children will want to talk to you -- not avoid you -- when they have a problem. By knowing all six ways of communicating (instead of relying on just one or two) you can achieve those goals.

Kathy, the exasperated mom who was worried that her kids would miss the school bus, used -- or, rather, misused -- three of the six approaches to communication. Yes, she was able to get them to the bus on time, but at a high emotional price. She, Jenny, and Mark felt angry and put upon. What a way to start the school year. Had she used the approaches properly or in the right combination (a few seconds of forethought was all she needed), it still might have resulted in a mad dash for the school bus -- but without the irritation and bad feelings that tainted everything.

The TENDER ways of speaking are Teaching (criticism is a negative form of teaching), Empathizing, Negotiating, Dos & Don'ts (commands, household rules), Encouraging (including praise), and Reporting (neutral comments, statement of facts, reporting your thoughts and feelings).

When stressed, overtired, or preoccupied, parents are prone to responding to their children in limited ways. For example, four hours into a six-hour road trip, weary parents of bickering children might understandably yell, "Knock it off!" or, if trying to sound adult-like, they might say, "Must you fight like that!" (Dos & Don'ts command). Will it work? Anyone who has been there will probably say, "Not for long." The main problem is that parents instinctively select a response without considering the alternatives, which are usually more effective. In fact, most stressed parents overuse some styles of talking (commands and criticism) and underuse others (especially Empathizing).

Even when not stressed, parents may be unsure of how to respond to a child's question or handle a predicament, and so they fall back on standby clichés and hope the child gets the point. One father, surprised when his son didn't win a trophy in a martial arts competition, didn't know how to console his son. "Life's not always fair," he finally said. Chances are that if the father knew more about the six ways of communicating, he would have come up with a more effective response.

When Kathy, the frazzled mom, said to Mark, "Why aren't your supplies in your book bag where they're supposed to be?" she was not really asking a question. She was criticizing Mark for his dawdling. The criticism was justified, but it complicated Kathy's situation in two ways. First, Mark thought she was being unfair, and he got angry. He'd intended to get his supplies together, but why did it have to be on his mother's timetable? Second, Kathy was not being clear about what she wanted. She really wasn't interested in why his book bag was still empty. She wanted it filled, but she didn't say that.

Similarly, when she said to Jenny, "Aren't you finished with your breakfast?" she gave the appearance of asking a simple question (Reporting) but in fact it was a veiled criticism. Imagine if instead she had said, "I'm sorry, Jenny, but we're running late. I know you are still hungry, but you can't have a second bowl of cereal. Grab an apple if you'd like." That would have been a clear statement of what Kathy wanted Jenny to do, and it would have been without the criticism.

When Kathy told Mark to help his sister clean up the spilled cereal, she was issuing a command (Dos & Don'ts). Commands are fine and important, but in this case it only added to the tension that Kathy feared was already spoiling the morning. Empathizing or praising ("You're a big help to me, Mark") might have taken the sting out of her command. Furthermore, and perhaps just as important, her choice of words might have lessened Kathy's irritation, too.

The more aggravated our speaking tone and the more harsh our words, the more upset we will become. The more we can speak calmly and pleasantly, the less upset we will become. So if Kathy had used Reporting to express her concern about being late for the school bus, without criticizing, and if she had balanced her commands (Dos & Don'ts) by empathizing or encouraging, then the first-day-back-to-school blues might have been avoided.

Increasing Your TENDER Repertoire

At first glance you might believe that you regularly use all six communication styles. After all, what parents haven't praised or empathized or taught or negotiated with their child, right? Guess again. When you run through the following list of common expressions that exemplify each of the six approaches, you may discover that you favor one or two approaches more than others. While it is easy to shift from one style to another when all is calm and the household is happy, people under stress tend to overuse certain styles. They might criticize more or bark out commands, or they might be overly sympathetic and lenient and not inclined to enforce rules.

Interestingly, some couples balance each other out: One spouse emphasizes two or three styles while the other emphasizes the remaining styles. Together they are a complete set, but alone they lean to the left or right and then blame the other when matters get out of hand.

Teaching

This excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The "T" in TENDER stands for Teaching. It is a rare day that parents don't teach their children. Teaching can be a warm, meaningful experience that bonds grown-ups with kids, such as when a parent patiently instructs her child how to ride a two-wheeler or tie a lure to a fishing line or scoop up ground balls. And children ask many questions that allow parents an opportunity to explain the ways of the world.

But teaching can degrade into lectures or nagging, and the message may get lost. Some parents feel comfortable teaching but uncomfortable showing much affection. Those same parents often get uneasy when their child is very emotional. They try to overcome their uneasiness by trying to get their child to understand the logic of the situation. They get impatient when logic doesn't help their child. ("Elizabeth, if you would just listen to what I am saying, then you would know how to do your math homework. Crying won't help!") Like each of the six styles, teaching has its benefits and its limitations. Is teaching a common style for you?

How to Say It

• "Let me explain..."
• "Watch how I do it, then you try."
• "Let's see if we can figure this out together."
• "Interesting choice. Why did you pick that answer?"
• "The answer is..."
• "I"m not sure what the answer is. Let's look it up."
• "Do it this way."
• "How would you feel if someone did that to you?"
• "When you told your sister she couldn't use your baseball glove, how do you think that made her feel?"
• "Making mistakes is one of the ways we learn things."
• "I want you to do this because..."
• "The reason you can't go is..."

Of course, tone of voice is key. Saying "Do it this way!" in a gruff, exasperated tone will be taken as a criticism. In fact, parents often slip into a critical teaching mode. It is not fatal, and used sparingly it may get the child's attention, but usually it adds to stress and lessens the likelihood your child will want you to help with problems.

How Not to Say It

• "I can't believe you did that!"
• "That's stupid!"
• "Never mind, I"ll do it!"
• "If that's the way you're going to be, then you can take care of this by yourself."
• "That answer is wrong. I thought you said you studied for this test?"
• "You're acting like a baby!"
• "Why can't you be like your sister?"

Put-downs, name-calling, and comparisons are the worst kinds of statements you can make. Parents who use a critical teaching mode seldom use Empathizing. Learning to speak more empathetically can actually help parents feel more patient.

The best time to use Teaching is when:

• Anxiety or frustration (for either parent or child) is low.
• Children calmly ask questions.
• Children are not preoccupied with other things.
• You are not likely to be critical.

EmpathizingThis excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The first "E" in TENDER stands for Empathizing. Empathy is important when your child is experiencing strong emotions. A child who calmly asks, "What is the capital of Kentucky?" will do fine with a straightforward answer. But if the child wads up his homework into a ball and yells, "I can never remember this stuff! Who cares what the capital of Kentucky is!" a little empathy may go a long way. "I don't blame you for being frustrated," a parent might say. "It's hard when you study your notes but still can't remember everything."

Parents trip up when it comes to showing genuine empathy. It's difficult to empathize when you're upset or angry or reeling from something your child has just said. Sometimes parents confuse empathy with encouragement and say things like, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do just fine."

Sympathetic pep talks are encouraging, but they are not empathic. When you make an empathic response, you are not trying at that moment to solve problems or heal wounds. Instead, you are trying to understand your child's pain and talk about it in a way that helps the child realize you truly do understand.

When Annie came home crestfallen because a boy playmate preferred the company of another boy, her mother wanted Annie to feel better. She said, "Your sister will be home soon, and you can play with her." Mom was trying to be encouraging, but to show empathy she might have said, "That must make you feel sad and maybe a little angry, too." Annie would know that her feelings were being heard, not dismissed. That might have been sufficiently soothing, or it might have prompted Annie to talk even more about how she feels ("That happens to me at school sometimes, too"). Then Mom may have realized that her daughter's concerns were worth examining.

How to Say It

• "You're feeling sad (or mad or nervous or glad) about . . ."
• "It bothers you that your brother got to go on a class trip and you didn't."
• "I know you're feeling scared about..."
• "You wish Grandpa was here with you, don't you?"
• "You missed the goal, and you're worried you let your team down. Do I have that right?"
• "It feels good when you finally make friends at a new school."
• "The way you hung up the phone makes me think you're upset about something."
• "It's frustrating and sad when you look forward all week to the ball game but then get sick and have to stay home."
• "You're really excited about the class trip to the aquarium."

A true empathic response is like holding up a mirror to someone. What they hear you say is a reflection of how they feel. Empathic comments are without judgment. They do not contain solutions to a problem, but solutions fall more easily into place if you can empathize because you understand the problem better. When you are showing empathy, your child will likely talk more. It's easier for a child to reveal her concerns when someone can accurately describe her feelings. If your child looks troubled but refuses to talk, asking "Why won't you tell me?" is not empathic and probably won't help. Say instead, "You seem worried (or hurt or angry or sad, etc.) about something. I'd like to talk about it with you, but maybe you'd rather think about it by yourself for a while." That may gently coax your child to respond.

Clues that you are not being empathic (when you think you are):

• You rush in with answers or solutions.
• You find yourself debating with your child about how she should be feeling.
• You are providing reassurances before you've clearly expressed your understanding of your child's concerns.
• You want to get the conversation over with.
• You are very angry.

How Not to Say It

• "I know how you must feel." (The feeling is not described.)
• "I understand." (Understand what?)
• "I still love you." (But is that your child's concern right now?)
• "You'll be fine." (Reassurance is not empathy.)
• "It's not as big a problem as you're making it." (You're telling your child he is wrong to feel the way he does.)
• "Life does that to you sometimes. The important thing is to think about something positive." (Your intent is to make her feel better, but this is not empathy.)

The best time to use empathy is:

• When your child is emotional and not likely to listen to reason (this is also the hardest time)
• When you're not sure what the real problem is (empathy can draw your child out)
• If your child is sensitive by nature
• If you want your child to understand her emotions

NegotiatingThis excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The "N" in TENDER stands for Negotiating. It should be used less often than parents realize. Negotiating begins when your growing child requests more freedoms (choosing which clothes to buy, staying up later, etc.). You can then discuss with her the responsibilities that accompany those freedoms.

Children are not your peers. They haven't the right -- as do adults in contract disputes -- to break off negotiations. Parents have the final say. Still, your children benefit when you hear them out, understand their reasons for wanting something, and sometimes negotiate an agreement with them.

When 11-year-old Danny wanted to own an expensive pair of in-line skates, his father had two concerns. First, he wanted Danny to appreciate the value of money. Second, since his son tended to postpone getting his homework done by playing too much, the new skates would add to that problem. Dad expressed those concerns.

Danny said he would do extra chores to earn the money. His father liked the idea, but the expensive skates would require a lot of chores. Dad really wanted the garage painted, but it wasn't a very big job because the first coat was nearly finished. Additional chores were required. Danny suggested they buy a cheaper pair of used skates so that extra chores would not be necessary. Dad agreed. Then Dad said that if Danny spent extra time playing and didn't finish his homework by nine o'clock, he would not be able to play the next day.Danny agreed. Obviously, Dad held all the cards in this negotiation. But because he believed his son would learn a valuable lesson, he took his son's ideas seriously.

The mistake parents make is when they negotiate out of desperation (that is also known as "bribery"). Maybe they are worried that their kids will misbehave during an important event, so they beg them to be good and promise them ice cream later. Or a mother screams, "Okay, you can have a new video game. Just stop yelling!" That situation is different from one where Mary must go grocery shopping and has to pull her two kids away from Nintendo to accompany her. She can start out by Empathizing and saying, "I know it's no fun to go shopping when you'd rather play. But I promise I'll hurry, and if you two promise not to complain when we are in the store, we can have pizza for dinner tonight." Mary is not desperate. She wants to reward her kids for good behavior. If she also praises them once or twice in the supermarket for their pleasant behavior, she will increase the odds that her kids will cooperate even more in the future.

How to Say It

• "I know you've done a lot of work already, but we still have some more to do. I really appreciate your effort. Is there anything special you'd like to do later?"
• "I know you want to go to the lake today with your friend and her family. I think that would be nice but I have these concerns...Any suggestions?"
• "Before I can consider what you want, I need these things to happen..."
• "Before we leave for the ball game, I want you to tidy up the house. Which rooms do you want to start with?"
• "I cannot agree to that. Is there something else you want instead?"

The parent who negotiates in the best way is a benevolent dictator. She is willing to make accommodations to her child's wishes because she believes it is deserved or that it is in her child's best interest. A benevolent dictator never loses sight of who is in charge.

How Not to Say It

• "Okay, you can sleep over your friend's house tonight, but remember you have a paper to write for school." (This is fine if your child is very responsible, but it is better to have an agreement ahead of time about your expectations. Kids are experts at putting fun ahead of responsibilities.)
• "Will you promise to be home on time if I let you play at the neighbor's?" (Of course your child will promise. If it is important that he not be late, discuss what the consequences will be if he is late.)
• "All right, all right. If you just be quiet for the next half-hour, we'll go to McDonald's for dinner." (Using blackmail is a bad habit to get into.)

The best time to negotiate is when:

• You are not desperate.
• You want your child to take on more responsibilities.
• You want to teach your child the art of negotiation and compromise and the consequences of keeping or breaking agreements.

Do's & Don'tsThis excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The "D" in Tender stands for Do's & Don'ts. Listen to Charlie and his mom:

"Charlie, put your coat on if you're going outside. You'll get cold."

"No, I won't get cold, Mom."

"Yes, you will. You'll freeze. Put your coat on."

"But Mom . . ."

"I don't like it when you don't wear a coat."

"But I like it!"

Mom is making two mistakes. First, she's confusing Do's & Don'ts with Teaching. If she absolutely wants Charlie to wear a coat, she should say that without explaining why. Rules and orders are not requests. When a parent gives a rationale for her command, the implication is that if the child can outwit her with logic, then the rule can be put aside. If you think that explaining your rule is important (Teaching), feel free to do so. But if a debate begins, you must be ready to enforce the rule or open up negotiations.

More explanations will not help.

Mom's second mistake was stating that she doesn't like it when Charlie goes outside without a coat. Again, that is not only not a command (she is Reporting her opinion), but it gives Charlie an opportunity to whittle away Mom's resolve ("But I like it!").

Every parent has rules. While rules can be changed or even negotiated, they are meaningless if parents do not enforce them. When children are younger and the rules are being introduced, parents may use a teaching style to explain them ("No eating food on the couch because . . ."), but when kids are a little older, explaining the rule invites discussion ("But, Dad, I promise I'll be careful not to drip jelly on the new furniture") when discussion is not necessary. Children need the structure that rules provide. And the most important, nonnegotiable rules involve moral values and safety. When your eight-year-old refuses to wear a seatbelt, you do not negotiate. You may give an explanation, but chances are your child knows the reasons. It is better to say, "Until you wear your belt, we will not go to the mall."

Sometimes enforcing rules is best done when accompanied by an empathic statement. Telling your child sincerely that you know he is disappointed or angry can soften the blow a little. It is bad enough when a child feels he does not get what he wants, but it is worse when he also feels that his parent doesn't understand him -- or care to understand.

How to Say It

• "Stop pushing each other right now."
• "Stop throwing a ball in the living room. That's not allowed."
• "I know that you don't agree, but the rule is . . ."
• "Hitting your sister is very wrong."
• "We made an agreement, and you have to stick by it. Thank you."
• "Bedtime is in five minutes. Brush your teeth now."
• "Turn off the television now. It's dinnertime."
• "You can ride your bike as far as the end of the block, but no farther."

The best rules are clear and concise. When stating a rule, ask yourself if it is really a teaching moment (giving reasons why) or if the rule is simply to be enforced. Also ask yourself if you are willing to negotiate. If not, stick to your guns.

How Not to Say It

• "What did we just talk about?"
• "How many times have I told you ..."
• "What do you think you are doing?"
• "What's going on here?"
• "I don't like it when you talk back to me."
• "How much longer do I have to wait before you clean your room?"
• "Don't do that." "Stop it." "That's not allowed." (Don't do what? Stop what? Be specific.)

None of those comments is clear, and they invite irrelevant discussion. They will only aggravate you and your children. Be straightforward and clear when stating Dos and Don'ts. If you get angry or loud when enforcing a rule, you may be frustrated or upset by more things than just your child. The more confident you are about your parenting, the less you need to yell.

Rule of Thumb: Saying "please" not only models politeness, it actually can help aggravated parents to feel more in control of their emotions.

The best time to state Do's and Don'ts is when:

• You have your child's full attention.
• Your child is causing or risking harm.
• You are clear about what you want to happen.
• You are capable of enforcing the rules.

EncouragingThis excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The second "E" in TENDER stands for Encouraging (which also includes praising and reassuring). A common mistake parents make is that they infrequently praise good behavior and are quick to criticize bad behavior. Criticizing bad behavior is not helpful if parents don't show the child a desirable alternative. Also, many parents undermine their praise by following it with a criticism ("Yes, you stopped fighting, but only after I scolded you"). Praising effort, self-control, and thoughtful gestures will reap rewards for you and your child.

How to Say It

• "Remember how you practiced hard for the concert and performed so well? I bet you can practice just as hard this year, too." (Reminding of past efforts and successes.)
• "I"m happy and proud of the way you behaved today. I know it wasn't easy." (Praise followed by an empathic comment.)
• "Great job! I especially liked it when you . . ." (Being specific.)
• "You could have gotten mad at your sister and pushed her, but you didn't. That shows self-control, and you made me very happy." (Praising desirable behavior.)
• "I noticed you shared your pretzels with your friends. That was very thoughtful. Some children wouldn't have done that." (Praising desirable behavior.)

How Not to Say It

• "I'm sure you'll do fine." (Have you taken time to really understand your child's concerns? If not, your reassurances will not help.)
• "Nice job." (This is okay, but what specifically did you like? Elaborate. Don't miss an opportunity to praise your child's effort or self-control.)
• "Everybody loses once in a while." (She knows that. It's better to simply make empathic comments before offering a pep talk.)
• "You did okay, but you could have done better." (Be careful. Will such a comment actually discourage your child instead?)
• "That was incredible! Amazing! Unbelievable!" (Exaggerations are fine on occasion. Kids like to know you are enthused. But such overly exuberant commentary will have more impact when said infrequently. Besides, what will you say when they accomplish something that really is amazing?)

"Yes, you did fine, but I expect you to act that way." (Faint praise is worse than no praise at all. Why miss an opportunity to help your child feel even better about his accomplishment?)

Growing children crave parental praise and encouragement. Done wisely, it will help shape desirable behaviors and improve esteem.

The best time to encourage, praise, or reassure is:

• As soon as possible.
• As often as possible.
• When you see good effort, self-control, or thoughtful behavior.

ReportingThis excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.

The "R" in TENDER stands for Reporting. This refers to:

• Statements of fact ("We're going to Grandma's today")
• Common questions ("How was school?")
• Personal opinion ("I like going to the lake...")
• Expressing feelings ("I'm annoyed that...")
• Making requests ("Please empty the dishwasher").

Typically, well-meaning parents use Reporting as a poor substitute for some of the other approaches. Saying "I don't like it when you fight in the car" is reporting a feeling. But if the parent means 'stop fighting," she should say that. Parents caught up in New-Age thinking assume they are showing respect to a youngster when they use sweet phrases like "We don't do that in this house, Kenny. Remember what I told you before?" The more words you use to get your point across to a child, the more likely you are being vague, confusing your child, and undermining your authority.

Sometimes a concerned parent talks about her own feelings and mistakes it for empathy ("I'm so sad that you hurt yourself"). Generally, normal, everyday conversation includes a lot of Reporting that fills in the gaps between opportunities to teach, praise, command, or empathize with your child. But don't confuse Reporting with any of the other TENDER approaches. Otherwise, the message your child hears will not be the message you intend.

How to Say It

• "Tell me what you learned at your swimming lesson." (Make a statement instead of asking open-ended questions like "How was your swimming lesson?" You are more likely to get an informative response.)
• "We were late getting to the ball game and you missed seeing the home run. That's frustrating. I"m sorry." (Reporting a statement of fact as a preface to an empathic comment.)
• "Take off your headphones, please. I like it better when you are part of the family during dinner." (Reporting your preference after telling your child what to do.)
• "I love you."
• "I forgive you."
• "I'm sorry."

How Not to Say It

• Reporting that you like or dislike something when you really mean "Stop doing that!"

If your communication efforts have been less than satisfying, you've probably overused one or more of the TENDER approaches. Try your hand at a different approach or use some in combination. You will likely get better results.

This excerpt is from How To Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman.