Why Children Push Your Buttons

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Why Children Push Your ButtonsIt's 10:10 and thirteen-year-old Megan is still on the telephone. The rule is, there will be no telephone conversations after ten o'clock. Mother sticks her head into Megan's room and politely reminds her that she needs to finish the conversation and hang up. Megan nods and makes a face. At 10:20, Mother calmly reminds her again. Megan waves at Mom, hoping she will go away. This time Mother feels herself getting upset. At 10:27, Mother explodes with anger. "Hang up right now, young lady. You are restricted from the phone for two weeks." Megan has pushed Mother's button.

Children push your buttons because they like driving you crazy. They like seeing you transformed from a rational, clearheaded, calm parent into an unreasonable, provoked maniac. One minute you are composed and sensible, the next minute you are agitated and senseless.

Every parent can relate to this. When you get angry, yell, scream, or threaten, your button has been pushed. When you find yourself telling your child that he is grounded for a year, your button has been pushed.

Children push your buttons hoping you will give in and let them have their way. Children push your buttons to get attention because they want you to feel guilty and blame yourself when you punish them, because they are angry at you, or sometimes to get even and hurt you.

We all have these buttons. When they are pushed, each of us reacts in our own unique way. Usually we become angry, impulsive, and sometimes vengeful.

Two Reactions for One Misbehavior
Twelve-year-old Sean asks his mother, Cindy, if he can have a few friends over to watch TV. Cindy says no. She explains that she has a lot of work to do tonight: "Perhaps you can have them over some other night. Maybe next weekend." Sean does not accept her answer. He begins to tease and whine: "I never get to have friends over. You're not fair." Cindy argues her point. Sean argues in return. The argument intensifies. Sean starts having a tantrum. Cindy gets angry. She yells at Sean to go to his room and stay there for the remainder of the day.

Going to his room is a punishment, so arguing should be weakened; but in reality, Sean is arguing more every day. Even though Cindy consistently sends Sean to his room every time, Sean continues to argue.

Sean argues to push Cindy's buttons. Cindy had two reactions to Sean's misbehavior: she became angry with Sean, and she punished Sean. What if making Cindy angry was part of Sean's plan? What if Cindy's anger was a payoff for Sean? Then Cindy's anger was a reward.

When Cindy punishes Sean for arguing, she concurrently rewards him for arguing. Sean trades going to his room for making Cindy upset. This gives Sean control and power. That is why Sean continues to argue each day even though Cindy punishes him consistently. The reward of control is stronger than the punishment. Cindy must change her behavior. She must learn to control her anger when she punishes Sean. She must stay calm and not argue. By controlling herself, Cindy removes Sean's reward for arguing; therefore, the punishment will have more of an effect.

When some parents learn this, they respond by wanting to use stronger punishments, but large punishments combined with anger could be disastrous. Even if you use a punishment that is stronger than the reward of pushing your buttons, your anger greatly neutralizes the effects of the punishment. It will take much longer for the punishment to weaken the misbehavior.

Page 2How to Cope with Anger, Stress, and Guilt
Guilt, anger, stress, fear, anxiety, and most other unpleasant emotions are self-defeating. Anger impairs your judgment; it rewards a power-seeking child. Guilt makes you compensate; you do not follow through. You feel sorry for not being a perfect parent, and you try to make it up to your child by giving in.

These feelings interfere with successful parenting. They inhibit your relationship with your children. They can cause misbehavior to increase. Learning how to cope with self-defeating emotions and beliefs will increase your happiness as a person, a spouse, and a parent.

If you want to reduce the amount of negative emotions in your life, you must believe two things: you control your thoughts, and your thoughts control your emotions. Therefore, you control how you feel. You control happiness, joy, and excitement. You control guilt, anger, stress, and fear.

I lived many years believing that unsafe drivers, poorly planned freeways, dead car batteries, and uncapped toothpaste made me angry. I used to believe that untrained sales clerks and incompetent waitresses made me angry. I now realize that these circumstances are part of life. I can choose to be angry or stay calm. I prefer staying calm. I allow much less anger in my life than I did ten years ago. I still get angry. When I do, I realize what has happened, and I let it go.

I once felt guilty for not having all the answers and failing to meet the needs of every parent and child that came to me for help. I now accept my humanness and imperfection. It is easy to succumb to self-defeating behaviors. Resisting them takes practice.

You will always be tempted to give in to self-defeating emotions. You will have spontaneous reactions that seem impossible to control. You might still feel guilty and angry when your child has a tantrum in public, or become discouraged if your son gets a failing report card. However, you can do a lot to improve your day-to-day experience. A certain amount of child misbehavior and aggravation is part of parenting. Children can create frustration and discouragement. Their misbehavior can push your buttons. If your children push your buttons, take preventive action. Make a plan to protect yourself.

Defending Yourself Against Button Attacks
Some parents find it helpful to have a technique that diffuses their anger. Go sit in your room for a few minutes. Listen to music. Go for a walk. Count to twenty-five. Think peaceful thoughts. Reward yourself when you do survive a button attack.

Do not expect perfection from yourself the first week. Make your goal more realistic. If one of your children successfully pushes your buttons, do not put yourself down. Do not think that you are a failure. You are human. Do not let your disappointment keep you down. Encourage yourself just as you would encourage one of your children. Do not dwell on your inadequacies. Focus on the times that you were able to maintain your control in frustrating situations. Think about the times you were successful.

Your buttons have an important influence on the way you discipline your children. Conflicts can be resolved without anger. Stay calm; your communication will be more effective, and punishment will be more effective. You present yourself as a model for self-control, and your children learn more effectively.

You may have to protect your buttons for weeks before you see results. Your children will test you-that's how it works. Even though you are not getting angry anymore, your children will still try to push your buttons. Do not give in to their attacks.

What happens if you do give in occasionally? What happens if you still get angry once in a while? You will probably make the problem worse. You will be encouraging your children to push your buttons more, not less. That's why it is so important to protect your buttons. Be strong. Be consistent.

How to Express Anger Constructively
There will be times when you get angry. Occasional anger is normal. Do not feel guilty about it. It is okay for your children to know that you have a boiling point. It is not okay to let your anger get in the way of good discipline.

Many parents get angry but do not say or do anything about it. This is a mistake. This is the San Andreas syndrome. Pressure builds and builds, and then the earth quakes. We let our anger build and build until we crack. This confuses children: "I have had two other fights with my brother today. This time Mom acts as though we killed somebody." Do not save anger. When you save anger, it can become uncontrollable.

Let it out slowly and in small amounts. Tell your child what he did, how you feel, and why you feel that way: "When you fight like that, I get angry because you could get hurt or break something," "When you don't call home, I get worried that something might have happened to you."

Children push your buttons to get a reaction. They hope you will get upset and change your mind or give in. Do not let your emotions get the best of you. Dealing with misbehaviors as they happen helps you vent without blame, and thus keeps you from saving anger and then exploding. It is better for your mental health, and it is better for your children.

What Are Your Button Pushers?

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