Grounding demonstrates clearly that actions lead to consequences. The way most parents use grounding, it's rarely related directly to the misbehavior.When you use grounding correctly, as a consequence for a related lapse in judgment or a child's inability to regulate himself (he was late and he didn't call or he missed his curfew), the grounding provides guidance from you on how to regulate himself. Simply forcing a child to stay home and miss social activities doesn't teach why his behavior wasn't appropriate.Grounding can present a rare and valuable opportunity for a busy family to stop, slow down, and take some time at home to reconnect with each other. To get grounded, as it were, with all the positive implications of the phrase. This can turn into family time. Grounding a child means grounding yourself, too. Grounding is rarely fully enforced. Most groundings are imposed in the heat of the battle, and rapidly forgotten about as soon as the weekend comes. Make your consequences consistent!

Removing Privileges

As your child grows, she's generally allowed more activities and responsibilities. Some of these are optional, and are known as privileges. The key word here is optional, and that's where the consequence of removing privileges usually runs into trouble.

Grounding is a form of removing privileges—the child loses her freedom for a short period of time. Or, if Theo has lost five library books in three weeks, it might be appropriate for you to take away his library card. But aren't there better ways of teaching responsibility short of removing it? (Establishing a corner of a bookshelf for library books, marking due dates on the family calendar, you taking control of taking them back—because the point is to have access to books.) Removing privileges is effective only when you make certain that you are not undermining something you are trying to encourage (like going to the library). Remove privileges only after deep consideration, not in haste.

Before you begin removing privileges as a disciplinary technique or consequence for a misbehavior:


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Kids & Discipline

Six Dubious Discipline Techniques

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Six Dubious Discipline Techniques

Here are six disciplinary techniques that fall into the category “dubious.” Dubious techniques may have their place, with certain kids, certain families, in certain situations. I present them to you with a lot of caveats. Read closely! (You'll find a few here that are often considered essential and effective.)

The dubious six disciplinary techniques are:

  • assigned reading
  • caring for a younger sibling
  • chores
  • constructive criticism
  • grounding
  • removing privileges

Behave Yourself!

Knock off the guilt trips! If you've used dubious or destructive disciplinary techniques in the past, don't beat yourself up about it. Work on changing. It's never too late to start using positive methods.

Behave Yourself!

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the “dubious” techniques are stronger, or harder hitting than the effective big seven. They are less effective, and more punitive.

Assigned Reading

I know parents who use reading as a consequence for misbehavior, and I'm dubious. Yes, it's gentle, nonviolent, and educational, but I believe that reading, especially reading outside of school, should be fun, not linked in any way, shape or form to unpleasantness. Besides, it encourages children to change their behavior in order to avoid reading.

It's not the child who loves to read who is likely to get into trouble for not reading, it's more likely to be a child who isn't enjoying reading, or is having trouble with it. Forcing this child to read additional material as a consequence for not reading makes no sense. Yes, it's related to the misbehavior, but it won't serve your eventual goals, which should include helping him improve his reading, and enjoying books. Good readers are readers who love reading, and kids who love books become good readers. Why jeopardize that relationship?

Here's a situation where assigned reading might be effective as a disciplinary consequence:

  • Your child is a book-a-holic and there is no risk of assigned reading (no matter how dry) turning him off, and
  • You are using the assigned reading as part of an educational consequence (see the effective big seven, above) where the book is educating him, enlightening him, or making him more sensitive to an issue.

Caring for a Younger Sibling

Parents often assign a child to care for a younger sibling as a way to teach responsibility. That's fine, but don't impose it as a consequence for negative behavior!

Making a child care for a younger sibling as a consequence for misbehavior will teach the child to associate the younger sibling with the misbehavior, and with behaving poorly. Your child will learn responsibility best when it makes him feel wanted and needed (and when the responsibility is satisfying and enjoyable. Don't associate family responsibility with coercion. (It's also unfair to the younger child. Would you like to be considered a punishment?)

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Chores

Chores are on the “dubious” list because they tend to be used too often, and inappropriately. A chore should only be used as a disciplinary consequence if it's directly related to the misbehavior. If a child spreads papier-mâché goo all over the bathtub and leaves it, yes, she should have to clean the bathtub. Now. If a child doesn't feed the dog when it's her turn, she shouldn't have to clean the bathtub, she should have to feed the dog.

Tales from the Parent Zone

A couple of years ago I edited a technical specifications document for a company that builds construction materials. I learned that, before putting construction materials on the market, engineers give them stress tests to determine the “allowable load” (the maximum stress that can safely be imposed on the materials) and the “ultimate load” (the point when something breaks or the product reaches its maximum resistance). Kids are like those engineers; a child who is “bad” is testing your (and the world's) allowable and ultimate loads for reliability.

Constructive Criticism

Criticism is easy to do, hard to do well, and even harder to get your child to take without feeling angry, picked on, or inadequate. Even when you're trying to be constructive, it's difficult to criticize a child in such a positive, helpful way that he can correct his behavior while still feeling good about himself. If you're going to use constructive criticism as a disciplinary technique:

  • Don't scold your child, put him down, or come down too heavy.
  • Keep the criticism specific to the behavior (don't start attacking everything about him) and support, suggest and educate.
  • Keep it brief.
  • Reassure your child that it's the behavior you're critiquing, not him.

Grounding

Whoa-surprise! Why is grounding on the “dubious” list? Grounding-making a child stay home as a consequence for misbehavior-is one of the most commonly used consequences for older kids and adolescents. But just 'cause it's popular doesn't mean it's the best choice (said the parent to the teenager deciding whether or not to get a tattoo).

Most parents impose grounding as a reaction rather than as a response to a situation. “That's it! Maya, you're grounded!” But effective grounding entails far more than just making your child stay home.

Think about the other uses of the word ground. When you ground a loose wire, you give it a way to discharge its loose energy. Getting grounded also implies getting in touch with the earth, centering, getting balanced, and all those groovy things. Simply making a kid stay home doesn't do any of those things.

Below are some of the pros and cons of grounding. Don't leap to it! Consider well. It must not be overused.

Positive Aspects of Grounding Negative Aspects of Grounding